Wednesday, October 16, 2013

That nasty B word.


This is an honest, open, vulnerable post. The further you read you might feel as though I'm looking for sympathy. I am not. This is a topic that is dear to me. A topic of which I want to share my thoughts.

Recently my dad asked me on a car ride to Cedar, what I would do if i found out my child was being bullied. This stemmed from a talk about me growing up and being bullied all during school. From grade school on. I told him I didn't know, and i still don't know fully. Because ANY answer is difficult. Let me explain.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade school. I can remember being told i was stupid, dumb, and annoying by teachers. People I was meant to trust and respect. I remember one teacher telling me I would never learn multiplication. Ironically, I suck at math to this day. I wish that it ended there. However, kids noticed teachers doing this at a young age. So of course they started it too. By the time I hit JR High I was also overweight. I was moo'd at during gym, and called tub o lard, pushed down stairs. I would use my lunch money to buy candy because it made me feel better because I sat alone. By high school I was so use to being the loser that I allowed myself to stay that way. I had many ward friends try to befriend me, but I was so wounded internally I let NO ONE close. It didn't help that at 16 my sperm donor found me "unworthy" of his love and never talked to me again after visiting him for a week. I was trained to think any adult would hurt me. Even people who tried so hard to love me in my family. I became mouthy, inconsiderate, rude, and a plain pain in the ass to my family.

It kills me to know that this all started with a simple person calling me stupid. One single word still effects me. I am now obese, and scared to death of changing, because i am comfy. I try too hard to make people love me, and sacrifice so much to be "cool". You all think i'm this super great person, but really i'm a total basket case inside. I know what you are thinking, "You can fix this, you can change." You are right. I can, however no matter how much one changes memories remain. I know I am a good person, if not great person. I know I am all the things you are thinking. However, the fact is this. Bullying stays. It hurts. It is not something that a victim just "bounces back" from. It will always be something that causes me to be insecure, self conscience, and cautious around people. I might be a people person, but sometimes you see me being sweet and outgoing, and inside i'm dying.

Going back to what I would do if I found out my child was being bullied. I wouldn't run and tell the principle hoping he would talk to the kid or their parents. Coming from a victim, that only makes the kids act out more against you. "Oooooo you told!" Then they back you into a corner and you fear for your life. I would sit down with my child and love him or her. I would tell them every day how amazing they are to me. I would go OUT OF MY WAY to make them know they matter. I would talk to a counclor at school WITH my child. And voice my concern of the bullies acting out more. THAT is what I would do.

 Watch what you say, do, and how you act. You don't know who's life you are shaping.

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