Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Swear Word That Starts With M

No, not marriage. Mother, Mommy, Mama. If you are reading this post in hopes that I have changed my mind and I am not still hurting, carry on. Today is not a day where I am peppy and happy. It is not a day where I pretend I am a good LDS woman who went to church. I did not. Maybe I am wrong, but I just can not handle going on a day dedicated to what I am not. Now I know many of your first thoughts when I said that was "You are a mother to anyone you love." or "You are a future mother." But if you have been in my shoes, wither it was losing a child, getting a divorce with wee ones still, or marrying when you were older. You know that no matter how many times that is said to you, or how much you know its true, it doesn't make the pain go away. You can spend the day loving someone else, serving someone else. But lets call a spade a spade. For us mothers that are yet to be moms, or even you single mothers, or mothers who lost a child, it doesn't fully help.

Sure I have had countless friends text, call, message, and "check in". More so than any other year. And that is amazing, it helped. However, I can't always be on the go, there are going to be those quiet moments where  my brain rests and my heart awakens at the feeling of being alone. The feeling of "What did I do wrong?" or "Was he the one? If I would of married him would my life be better?" And in those moments no one, not even God himself can always help me. Nothing fixes it. However, a dear friend who CONSTANTLY supports me quietly in her own special way posted something on my Facebook today. And with all the people supporting me, telling me to "Buck up, it could be worse" this is what hit home. In case Mothers Day is hard for you

Instantly my feelings, every single one was validated. I felt comforted, understood, and I knew whomever wrote this knew my pain in her own form. I am not ashamed I am moody today. I have always wanted to be a mother. I had billions of babies growing up. And I stuffed them all into one stroller. No, that is not foreshadowing  This woman stops at 2!

I am thankful for those moments in life where we can learn from one another. So ladies, if you are hurting it is okay. If you cry, it is okay. If you want nothing more right now than to have your child back, have someone help you raise your kids again, or to have a child of your own, that IS okay. Don't be ashamed of your heart, tears, or desires. Most of all, DON'T hide them like sometimes the world wants you to. Just because you express how you feel good or bad, it doesn't mean you are strong or weak. It means you are human. It also means you have the biggest, most giving, loving, and open heart. That is nothing to be ashamed of. That is the kinda heart God WILL bless with a child in this life or the next.