It is no mystery to most that I love the L word. I was raised to say it, and say it often. If I feel it I say it. And not each time is it returned. Not each time is it meant the way I want it to be meant. But when it is said by someone so important to you, it changes your view points of many things. I am imperfect, this is no shock to most of you reading this. I do stupid things, say stupid things, and think stupid things. And I do them over and over. Sometimes I judge, and sometimes I don't when I should. However, loving is one thing I have mastered. I have learned from many many unhappy parts of my life to love the person even when their actions might not be something I love.
The last month has been VERY hard for me to handle. Daily I could post about something that was negative And at the start of the month I did so. After watching General Conference I learned so many different things. First I learned tons about faith. I learned that loving myself in spite of the mishaps, would give me stronger faith. So for a while I faked it. I pretended I was not stressed and unhappy, soon I made some super close girlfriends who really understood and could relate to my brain and how I thought. They gave me things that helped them. For example. I am now a proud owner of a happy jar. Each day, no matter how crappy I find something happy about it and write it on a paper and put it in there. When I can't think of something i take out the papers and read what I had said before. Usually something is sparked in my brain and I find something happy. By doing this I have found a fantastic power and peace in life.
Recently, I have had one of the most amazing moments of my month. I was texting a friend and I said "I miss you :( " Said friend responded back with I miss you too, I hope you have a fun night and that we can hang out soon. I responded back with a Sleep well, I love you tons. For the first time in text form or at all an "I love you tons too." came back. My heart was warm and I felt tears form. And for the first time I fully comprehended Christlike Love. I knew this friend didn't mean it romantically, so I was able to think about moments. From almost catching a park on fire, to long talks in a vast amount of places. This friend has recently been having a tough go this week. And all I could think about was holding this person. Making everything okay for just a few moments. And for the first time I physically wanted to take how this person was feeling and make them feel what I was. I wanted to shout to the world all the reasons I loved them. I wanted make their life easier. It occurred to me in this moment that yes, romantic love is very important in a marriage. But this Christlike love I was feeling, nothing could be it. Not the best kiss of my life, or the comfort in their eyes. I knew in that moment, if i could find THAT kind of love combined with romance, I would have a marriage that would of course take work. But that work would be easier to do, because I would WANT to.