Friday, February 15, 2013

Understanding Yourself

I believe with every ounce of my soul that there are times in ones life where they sit and think, "What the hell is the next step?" I know that there have been countless times where I have felt I should move forward, but didn't know how. There have been times where i sat on my bed, hands in my face with tears painting it. I was confused, lost, annoyed, angry, and at the point of breaking. EVERY single one of these times I can tell you I have said words like, "Help me", "Take this away", and even the words "I hate my life". However, EVERY single one of those times I as taught something valuable  I was taught how to listen, observe, trust, love, and MOVE FORWARD.

I was a woman that thought she would never become what SHE wanted. A woman that thought that what she wanted was selfish and no one would understand. I can remember countless times thinking to myself, "Maybe I am just not meant to be happy. Maybe I am one of those people that will slowly just internally die."

Lets fast forward to a week ago, when i decided it was time to take care of some things. I am not sure what triggered in my head, but something did. I have become a woman that looks at failures not as something I didn't do right, but something I misunderstood. I have seen my past as something beautiful, something that has made me into who I am now. I have finally become that woman who can eat a small brownie and not say  "Yep, I failed." I have not failed, because I have not ended up dying of a heart attack, kidney failure, or the millions of other things that I could of. I have not given up on finding what makes me the happiest.

I have seen that what I want is my personal happiness, and that is okay if it is not someone else's. Life is about learning, and learning is what I am doing. Haters are going to hate, Liars are going to lie.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Something Missing Vs Something You'll Have

A friend of mine posted a question on her facebook "Do you feel you are missing something in your life? If so, what is it?" Usually my first thought when i see something like this "I wish i had a relationship  or more success, or a family, or my own home" The list goes on and on. Something last night while listening to a song my friend Melody from Melody & Tyler wrote seems to have really trigger something. I am sure there will be moments I want those things, and i still want those things. However, I don't feel they are missing right now. I know that all of the things I want will happen. When doesn't matter as much as preparing for them to happen. If something is missing in someone's life it sometimes can be they don't know what it is, or that they know but don't know how to make it happen. Thankfully the things I want, I know how to get them. And daily I am making changes in my life that they are getting closer. So no, nothing is missing in my life, things are just on hold. And I am so thankful for this realization finally. Happy Monday!!!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Touch Of The Masters Hand

For those of you who haven't heard this poem before, here is a link to read it. The rest of the post will make sense if you read it.
The Touch Of The Masters Hand

Today was a very moving day for me. And it came after a day that exhausted me. In order for you to fully grasp what the day meant to me you have to know some details.

After years of being less active I went back to church. I would be lying if i said I was perfect in my attendance. However, I gave up the lifestyle I was living. About 3 months ago I got comfortable, once I received one of the greatest blessings of a good job. I started enjoying my weekends off, which included not going to church often enough. This of course started taking its toll, I have found I have been feeling "low" a lot easier than I did when I was going to church each Sunday. However, I still didn't care enough to go to church for 3 hours. Id go for sacrament sometimes, and then just leave after.

Knowing that this week was going to be a little bit harder for me to bare than the norm because of 2 holidays. I decided to go today, well and because my Home Teacher kept asking to see me and I figured at the time this would shut him up for a month. The transition for me from the YSA ward to the Mid-singles was rough. I had no desire to be in a ward of 300+ people. The Family wards just hurt, because they always talk about finding love, families, marriage, and blah blah blah. I felt truly like a lost sheep. Today I met with my Home Teacher before church, and he asked me to tell him a bit about me. Pretty soon this poor man and his wife knew more about me than he cared to I am sure. Tears were shared as I expressed my confusion why SO many people around me see how special, amazing, and wonderful I am, but how not a single man that has the qualities I need give me the time of day. These are not qualities of a list, these are simple qualities of being LDS, being a good man. It's not like I am saying I will only marry a man that is temple worthy, and reads and prays daily, because I am not perfect in those things. As I shared that I never pictured going on 32 and having no family of my own the tears ran free. This man then spoke about marriage being eternal. And how being patient is also eternal. As he spoke I had this thought, and quickly wrote it down after. "Marriage is an eternal principle. Because it is an eternal principal there is no need to rush it, become okay with the unknown and the known will come to you" 

After this I went to sacrament. During sacrament I just sat and listened. We sang I Stand All Amazed (I can NEVER get through that song without tears) and I felt spirits lifting. Then the last speaker spoke and shared the poem above. Because I refuse myself to be auctioned cheap anymore, it is going to take someone that recognizes the touch of the masters hand in my life. He will have to be willing and able to love and support me not only in this life but in the next. As I realized this a thought from my home teacher came back to me. He said that finding the right one for me is a process. And his wife chimed in saying something to the degree of I want to make sure the right one for me is the best one. Tears flowed and I once again was reminded that just because I don't always make the best choices, I make choices that always seem to strengthen me. And if I make a choice that doesn't, I always seem to learn from it and grow. I don't want a man to love me for a season, I want a man to love me for eternity. And seeing that and feeling that today, made my single, dateless, pointless week that is about to take place a little easier to bare. Nothing says a good week like realizing you are older AND single all at once lol.

Sunday, February 3, 2013


Some of my fondest memories growing up is watching sports with someone in my family. Baseball with Grandpa Brooks. Football with Uncle Mike. So when someone tells me that my love for football or baseball is silly, or that "its not life or death" I smile because it is. These 2 men and many more taught me something about passion. They taught me to love what I love. And both of these men have no shame in what they love. Both of these men are/were hardworking men for their families  They taught generations after them not to take the easy road out. They taught ME, that good men exist. That sure they are not perfect, and sometimes I might want to disown the man I someday marry, but that when push comes to shove. It's about one thing. Family. So no, my love for these things are not silly or pointless. And they are life and death, because of these things I learned to live a happy life and create memories with friends and family. My dad even called to see if i was watching "with the family". These moments, will travel with me till my death. So yes, life and death.

Here are my favorite commercials this year! Enjoy!