Sunday, January 20, 2013

New Eyes

This is not a pity me blog, this is a blog allowing most of you to see a different side of me. I grew up not being "the popular" kid. I can count on 2 hands the number of true friends i had. I can count on one of those hands the number of those friends that I saw daily. To say I was bullied is to put it lightly. When someone says "Man, I'd love to go back to high school!" I usually agree so that I don't look weird. However, no one could pay me enough money to go back to that life. I didn't grow up Mormon in Utah where i would feel secure, safe, and loved. My parents didn't make enough money to get me nice clothes, and pay for me to be in tons of extra activities. The words fat, weird, ugly, uncool, stupid, and loser were part of the daily vocabulary I heard. And I tell you what, you call someone those names long enough part of who they are become that person. I was pushed down stairs, backed into walls and kicked and punched. I would take all that over the moment where a girl just kept poking my stomach calling me Miss Piggy. I came home from school with bruises, and assured my parents that it is just because i tripped. Anytime i told someone about it, it just got worse. There were few times I truly felt comfortable in my skin. My homecoming date i felt asked because of pressure from adults. I asked for prom, and he said yes just to protect my feelings. I was the most dedicated LDS person around because the adults there told me how special I was. The minute I could leave that life I did. I rushed into things, did things that adults told me I should because it was the next step. I ran.

When I came to Utah in 2004 I was basically as innocent as one could be. I hadn't kissed a boy, hadn't held hands, and no man other than my father had EVER called me beautiful. I didn't realize just how wounded from my past I was, so when a boy gave me attention I soaked it up like a sponge. When said boy ended up breaking my heart and teaching me men will do anything for....lets be real here.......a piece of ass I was tainted. My view of who I was, was even more at risk. I was taught in order to be loved I had to give people what they wanted. And for many years I did just that. I still do just that. I will love someone so much for so long that I suffocate them. I think that if i try hard enough I can win them. And if I don't win them, than i feel fat, ugly, weird, uncool, loser, and stupid. All those harsh words come back and find me.

Don't get me wrong there are people in my life that tell me good things about myself. They praise the parts of me that are good, and are there to support me when the parts are bad come about. They love me for who I am becoming, and for the strengths I have now. They know how to speak my language. I am blessed. However, a tiger doesn't change its stripes overnight. I could have the whole world telling me good things, highlighting my strengths. But those words.......they are still there. They still hurt. And at times I still believe them.

When that man I adore doesn't adore me back? Ugly, Fat. When no one invites me out to do things, or when I have to plan my own birthday every single year basically? Uncool. Loser. When I lose my aid because I decided going to that Friday class at 8 am didn't matter? Stupid. The best is when I feel all of those at once. When a man doesn't return my love that is successful and has every trait I could ever want in a mate? Ugly, Fat, Uncool, Loser, and Stupid. I have felt all of these things within the last 6 months.

However, tonight.....while taking a shower something in my head snapped. I broke down in tears just leaning against the wall and sobbing. Physically I was breaking, Emotionally I was broken, Spiritually I felt alone. I was sorta mad. Why would he leave me in my greatest time of need? When EVERYTHING was now at the surface. Where was that peace? That embrace? That voice that whispered I'd be okay? I hit the wall. Stood up still sobbing and finished the shower. I came into my room drained. I was confused, lost, and uncertain of what road to take. Then a thought happened. A line in a book I read once to a little kid. "I made you, and I don't make mistakes." Tears streamed. I smiled as I just fell to my bed.

He didn't LEAVE me. He backed up enough that he could still catch me when I feel, but not close enough that I felt he could take care of it without my help. He wanted ME to figure this out so I could be proud of my progress. I am not single because of any of those bad words. I am not poor and struggling because of any of those bad words. I am single because I need to grow. And I am poor and struggling because I need to grow. I would love to say that I will never feel those words again. But lets be real, I will. However,the moment when you finally see what everyone around you sees is probably one of the top 10 moments of your life. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Love it. And remember that feeling.

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