Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Loving/Being in Love: The TRICKIEST thing to tell the difference between!

For the past 2 years now my heart has been convinced I was in love with a man. And for the past 6 months it has tried SO hard to not be. I couldn't understand how on earth I could be in love with him when we never had a relationship. I have talked to SO many people about this man and this situation, and I have had responses from "He just needs time." to "He doesn't deserve you". None of the answers I was getting made sense, and for me I was at a point where any attention from him was good enough for me. Because of this I would physically allow him to be close to me. It never got to the point where it was anything bad, it was stuff like me putting my arm though his at movies, or me cuddling in as close as possible. A few times throughout the last 6 months I have spoke with a male friend who is getting his masters in Psychology. We had countless talks about my past and how it played into my present. At one point he brought up the book "The 5 Love Languages", the only time I had read this book was when I was dating my ex. And even then I never really fully took it in.

In this book it is mentioned that you develop your love languages because of what you use to have and don't, or what you have never had. My primary love language was physical touch, and oddly enough my 2nd one is only 1 point off of my first. That is words of affirmation.

As I talked to this guy friend that was getting his masters, he mentioned that I could in fact be in love with this gentleman of 2 years, because he spoke love to me in my language. He complimented me, he cared, and let me have him physically near. I grew to accept that, but it wasn't until tonight when I got a random phone call from a man that truly was listening to a prompting that it all made sense. I almost didn't answer the call, because it was not common for him to call. However, I did. As we talked he asked how i was and I broke down in tears. He got a fast version of the last 2 years of my life with this other gentlemen. He asked me a couple of honest raw questions. And we talked more and more. As we talked my brain started figuring things out.

I can't expect to ever be okay with just being this gentlemen of 2 years friend if I am allowing him to talk to me in my love languages. Yes, it is possible to keep him as a friend, but it is not possible if I keep allowing myself to feel that love. This point sparked what could be the deciding factor in me finally moving on. This friend said to me tonight on the phone. "I don't think you are in love with him, as much as you are in love with his behavior." He then shared an example from his own life that was EXACTLY like mine but roles reversed. He talked about how after that he promised things to himself that would protect him. He focused on other things but still hurt for this woman. I think he also said something like "I was told to get over someone you have to get "under" someone else." Every time I have heard that phrase it always seemed so negative  but as we talked it became more clear for me. And now it makes total sense. For me to fully move on from this gentlemen, I need to find someone that treats me how he did, AND also provides the real love too. The love of him telling me wants to be with me, him telling me how he feels about me, him wanting me in his life on the level I want him in mine.

Just because this gentlemen spoke my language doesn't mean I am in love with him, It means I love the behaviors of him. I love things about him that he did that proved that men can and will speak my language  How thankful I TRULY am now that this man is in my life. How thankful I am for God, for answering a prayer I prayed MONTHS ago, and said again last week. "I don't know how to move on, I don't understand. Please show me how."

How thankful I am that a man tonight was listening to a prompting, and acted. It truly was the answer from God I needed. Lucky 13'? Yep, it will be!!!!!! Might not be lucky in love, but I will be lucky in myself!

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