Friday, January 25, 2013

Once upon a time & Happily ever after........

Why is it that whenever I hear those lines I'm expecting some Disney Princess to pop out and crap rainbows and puke candy?

I remember growing up and talking about how my life would be. Most of it was I would be married to a righteous priesthood holder with 6 kids all before 35. I would make cookies and all the neighborhood kids would love me. My husband would walk in the door, kiss my cheek and ask me how he could help. I would be able to teach my kids and stay home with them. If you people aren't chuckling by now at the irony here than you are not truly my friends. I have none of those things at all. And the reality of it is this. People change.

If you were to ask me now what I want compared to even a month ago it would be different. Why? Because I grow. I learn. I move on. I don't want to be a stay at home mom with 6 kids now. I want to be a mom of how many kids God sees fit, when God sees fit, and how God sees fit.

I had this reality check today talking to a family member. The conversation left me thinking back, thinking ahead, and thinking now. Sure I would NEVER have put me at 32 and no family. But I am thankful for it. I would of NEVER put me at 32 with debt and no degree. But I am thankful for it. I would of NEVER put me at 32 fighting with myself daily to not move into my own apartment and have my own freedom. But I am thankful for it. For years people have said "Tricia, enjoy your freedom while you can. Everything changes with a family." All I could see when they said that was the blessings they showed me. The squeaks and squawks of their cute little things. The smiles, the laughs, the tears of joy. What I never saw were the sleepless nights, the questionable look on their faces when they couldn't remember if they changed their clothes or showered that day. I never saw the tears of pain, and stress, and confusion going on. I saw the good. And that's all I saw. I had "Baby Blinders" on. The minute I saw I had those on today, I quickly decided to do some changing. There are things I want to do before a family changes that goal.

I want to go to Europe with a camera in hand and take life changing pictures. In order to do that I need to also take come photography classes. I want to go to NZ and take personal life changing pictures.....*giggles* (if you know my obsession, this will make sense and you will also giggle or smile) and see some sites. I want to get totally 100% out of debt, get a NEW car, get my own apartment, become stable. ON MY OWN! I don't want to have to learn to be independent fully when I'm in a marriage. I want to walk into that marriage knowing what I have to offer is what I expect. I want to be able to have a baby within the first 2 years and not have to worry about "budgeting" for it. I want to be able to not have to have my husband walk in the door, kiss me and ask me how he can help. Reality check....that WON'T always happen.There will be days he walks in waves and walks to the bedroom, and i will walk after him with the words "if you don't take this child one of us will not live much longer!" coming from my mouth louder than usual.

Basically, never decide your happily ever after based on your once upon a time.......because you can bet that by the time you figure out what your happily ever after is, your once upon a time will make you giggle. Growing up is hard to do, and what we pictured growing up is hardly ever what really happens. Smile. Deal with it. Love it!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

New Eyes

This is not a pity me blog, this is a blog allowing most of you to see a different side of me. I grew up not being "the popular" kid. I can count on 2 hands the number of true friends i had. I can count on one of those hands the number of those friends that I saw daily. To say I was bullied is to put it lightly. When someone says "Man, I'd love to go back to high school!" I usually agree so that I don't look weird. However, no one could pay me enough money to go back to that life. I didn't grow up Mormon in Utah where i would feel secure, safe, and loved. My parents didn't make enough money to get me nice clothes, and pay for me to be in tons of extra activities. The words fat, weird, ugly, uncool, stupid, and loser were part of the daily vocabulary I heard. And I tell you what, you call someone those names long enough part of who they are become that person. I was pushed down stairs, backed into walls and kicked and punched. I would take all that over the moment where a girl just kept poking my stomach calling me Miss Piggy. I came home from school with bruises, and assured my parents that it is just because i tripped. Anytime i told someone about it, it just got worse. There were few times I truly felt comfortable in my skin. My homecoming date i felt asked because of pressure from adults. I asked for prom, and he said yes just to protect my feelings. I was the most dedicated LDS person around because the adults there told me how special I was. The minute I could leave that life I did. I rushed into things, did things that adults told me I should because it was the next step. I ran.

When I came to Utah in 2004 I was basically as innocent as one could be. I hadn't kissed a boy, hadn't held hands, and no man other than my father had EVER called me beautiful. I didn't realize just how wounded from my past I was, so when a boy gave me attention I soaked it up like a sponge. When said boy ended up breaking my heart and teaching me men will do anything for....lets be real here.......a piece of ass I was tainted. My view of who I was, was even more at risk. I was taught in order to be loved I had to give people what they wanted. And for many years I did just that. I still do just that. I will love someone so much for so long that I suffocate them. I think that if i try hard enough I can win them. And if I don't win them, than i feel fat, ugly, weird, uncool, loser, and stupid. All those harsh words come back and find me.

Don't get me wrong there are people in my life that tell me good things about myself. They praise the parts of me that are good, and are there to support me when the parts are bad come about. They love me for who I am becoming, and for the strengths I have now. They know how to speak my language. I am blessed. However, a tiger doesn't change its stripes overnight. I could have the whole world telling me good things, highlighting my strengths. But those words.......they are still there. They still hurt. And at times I still believe them.

When that man I adore doesn't adore me back? Ugly, Fat. When no one invites me out to do things, or when I have to plan my own birthday every single year basically? Uncool. Loser. When I lose my aid because I decided going to that Friday class at 8 am didn't matter? Stupid. The best is when I feel all of those at once. When a man doesn't return my love that is successful and has every trait I could ever want in a mate? Ugly, Fat, Uncool, Loser, and Stupid. I have felt all of these things within the last 6 months.

However, tonight.....while taking a shower something in my head snapped. I broke down in tears just leaning against the wall and sobbing. Physically I was breaking, Emotionally I was broken, Spiritually I felt alone. I was sorta mad. Why would he leave me in my greatest time of need? When EVERYTHING was now at the surface. Where was that peace? That embrace? That voice that whispered I'd be okay? I hit the wall. Stood up still sobbing and finished the shower. I came into my room drained. I was confused, lost, and uncertain of what road to take. Then a thought happened. A line in a book I read once to a little kid. "I made you, and I don't make mistakes." Tears streamed. I smiled as I just fell to my bed.

He didn't LEAVE me. He backed up enough that he could still catch me when I feel, but not close enough that I felt he could take care of it without my help. He wanted ME to figure this out so I could be proud of my progress. I am not single because of any of those bad words. I am not poor and struggling because of any of those bad words. I am single because I need to grow. And I am poor and struggling because I need to grow. I would love to say that I will never feel those words again. But lets be real, I will. However,the moment when you finally see what everyone around you sees is probably one of the top 10 moments of your life. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Love it. And remember that feeling.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Loving/Being in Love: The TRICKIEST thing to tell the difference between!

For the past 2 years now my heart has been convinced I was in love with a man. And for the past 6 months it has tried SO hard to not be. I couldn't understand how on earth I could be in love with him when we never had a relationship. I have talked to SO many people about this man and this situation, and I have had responses from "He just needs time." to "He doesn't deserve you". None of the answers I was getting made sense, and for me I was at a point where any attention from him was good enough for me. Because of this I would physically allow him to be close to me. It never got to the point where it was anything bad, it was stuff like me putting my arm though his at movies, or me cuddling in as close as possible. A few times throughout the last 6 months I have spoke with a male friend who is getting his masters in Psychology. We had countless talks about my past and how it played into my present. At one point he brought up the book "The 5 Love Languages", the only time I had read this book was when I was dating my ex. And even then I never really fully took it in.

In this book it is mentioned that you develop your love languages because of what you use to have and don't, or what you have never had. My primary love language was physical touch, and oddly enough my 2nd one is only 1 point off of my first. That is words of affirmation.

As I talked to this guy friend that was getting his masters, he mentioned that I could in fact be in love with this gentleman of 2 years, because he spoke love to me in my language. He complimented me, he cared, and let me have him physically near. I grew to accept that, but it wasn't until tonight when I got a random phone call from a man that truly was listening to a prompting that it all made sense. I almost didn't answer the call, because it was not common for him to call. However, I did. As we talked he asked how i was and I broke down in tears. He got a fast version of the last 2 years of my life with this other gentlemen. He asked me a couple of honest raw questions. And we talked more and more. As we talked my brain started figuring things out.

I can't expect to ever be okay with just being this gentlemen of 2 years friend if I am allowing him to talk to me in my love languages. Yes, it is possible to keep him as a friend, but it is not possible if I keep allowing myself to feel that love. This point sparked what could be the deciding factor in me finally moving on. This friend said to me tonight on the phone. "I don't think you are in love with him, as much as you are in love with his behavior." He then shared an example from his own life that was EXACTLY like mine but roles reversed. He talked about how after that he promised things to himself that would protect him. He focused on other things but still hurt for this woman. I think he also said something like "I was told to get over someone you have to get "under" someone else." Every time I have heard that phrase it always seemed so negative  but as we talked it became more clear for me. And now it makes total sense. For me to fully move on from this gentlemen, I need to find someone that treats me how he did, AND also provides the real love too. The love of him telling me wants to be with me, him telling me how he feels about me, him wanting me in his life on the level I want him in mine.

Just because this gentlemen spoke my language doesn't mean I am in love with him, It means I love the behaviors of him. I love things about him that he did that proved that men can and will speak my language  How thankful I TRULY am now that this man is in my life. How thankful I am for God, for answering a prayer I prayed MONTHS ago, and said again last week. "I don't know how to move on, I don't understand. Please show me how."

How thankful I am that a man tonight was listening to a prompting, and acted. It truly was the answer from God I needed. Lucky 13'? Yep, it will be!!!!!! Might not be lucky in love, but I will be lucky in myself!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Moments of Learning

So tonight for the first time I believe, my male bestie and I kinda got into a heated discussion. I mentioned how I felt parents should do a college fund for their kids. He disagreed. This sparked said heated discussion. His stance was that a child that has to provide for his own schooling, and work part time gains work ethnic along with other things. My stance was that if a child had a fund it would be easier for him/her to focus on school. Both were good points, but after this discussion linked to a much more personal one for me I discovered something. I swear, this man teaches me things about myself without fail, each time we spend time together. Most of the time we just end up laying on my bed talking as he lets me get my physical touch language fulfilled  Meaning he lets me lean on him and just feel him close. This man has a way of getting me to talk out my inner feelings, and find things I want to fix. For example.

Tonight, I discovered through talking that I grew up being constantly reminded a woman should get married. I can remember 95% of my talks with my family were about how I was going to get married and have kids. How i would stay home and be a "mother in zion". And each time after I left the nest, the question of if i was dating always was asked. And if i was, the question of how close to marriage was I was next. I was reminded my mother wanted grandkids monthly. It is NO WONDER, I have this love sick, want to get married feeling so bad. It was drilled into me. I know what I am about to say will possibly spark some talks, because it is not what the church teaches. After being in the job I am currently at I have discovered, I do not want to be a full time stay at home mommy. I want to work. I want to make money that I made. So that when its my husbands birthday, or Christmas I can get him a present that isnt bought with his money. I want to be able to keep my own image, gain a new one, and still have a close family. I have seen it done, so i know it can be.

I am thankful for this man once again, who has helped me see things.