Sunday, November 10, 2013

As I have loved you, love one another.

This line has never been very hard for me to do, until recently. The last couple months have tried me over and over. I have had countless people that I have tried to love, but somehow I felt like I was doing most of the work. I have had people that I still love very much, hurt me, and make me feel bad for making a choice of sanity vs insanity.

In church today one of our darling sister missionaries spoke. She shared her reconversion story, and it was basically because of a Visiting Teacher. A lady who loved her unconditionally. I had tears in my eyes the whole talk. I started thinking about women in my life who love me like this, and it warmed me. Each time I thought of someone, my mind came back to this one friend of mine. I thought about countless times she has shown her love. A friend that I catch up with once a week sometimes. I would't call her my best friend, but ironically she is trust just as much as my best friend of 18 years. That made me think. Why? How? It was at the forefront of my mind all day. And as I was getting ready to read my scriptures I figured it out.

It doesn't matter how many times you talk to a person, or how long you know them. What matters is what they have done with the time they have been in your life. This woman from the VERY start was special to me. The first time I met her, she had told me about a job and I was going for the interview. For a long time I couldn't remember this as the first. Till today. Unconditional love act 1. We then "met" a second time going with a few other ladies to a church pageant. We shared some laughs, and created a very fun memory with each other. Still, this was not the point I feel we became close. It wasn't till months later, that we were chatting on FB and I felt connected to her. I instantly trusted her, and confided in her for most things. As time has gone by, and i think back to our random talks. There really is no trend to how often we meet up. Then it hit me. She really is my angel. I have NO doubt in my mind now God has had this planned from day one. That we became closer during a harder time in my life. Where I have learned to trust, and to earn trust. She listens to me complain about everything from boys, to my emotions. She has given of her love freely. Unconditionally.

During the sisters talk today, she asked "Can you say you love freely?" When she asked that I just smiled. Because I can. And I keep doing so, because God put the most ideal friend for me in my life. And I didn't even see it till today.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

That nasty B word.

Bullying.

This is an honest, open, vulnerable post. The further you read you might feel as though I'm looking for sympathy. I am not. This is a topic that is dear to me. A topic of which I want to share my thoughts.

Recently my dad asked me on a car ride to Cedar, what I would do if i found out my child was being bullied. This stemmed from a talk about me growing up and being bullied all during school. From grade school on. I told him I didn't know, and i still don't know fully. Because ANY answer is difficult. Let me explain.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade school. I can remember being told i was stupid, dumb, and annoying by teachers. People I was meant to trust and respect. I remember one teacher telling me I would never learn multiplication. Ironically, I suck at math to this day. I wish that it ended there. However, kids noticed teachers doing this at a young age. So of course they started it too. By the time I hit JR High I was also overweight. I was moo'd at during gym, and called tub o lard, pushed down stairs. I would use my lunch money to buy candy because it made me feel better because I sat alone. By high school I was so use to being the loser that I allowed myself to stay that way. I had many ward friends try to befriend me, but I was so wounded internally I let NO ONE close. It didn't help that at 16 my sperm donor found me "unworthy" of his love and never talked to me again after visiting him for a week. I was trained to think any adult would hurt me. Even people who tried so hard to love me in my family. I became mouthy, inconsiderate, rude, and a plain pain in the ass to my family.

It kills me to know that this all started with a simple person calling me stupid. One single word still effects me. I am now obese, and scared to death of changing, because i am comfy. I try too hard to make people love me, and sacrifice so much to be "cool". You all think i'm this super great person, but really i'm a total basket case inside. I know what you are thinking, "You can fix this, you can change." You are right. I can, however no matter how much one changes memories remain. I know I am a good person, if not great person. I know I am all the things you are thinking. However, the fact is this. Bullying stays. It hurts. It is not something that a victim just "bounces back" from. It will always be something that causes me to be insecure, self conscience, and cautious around people. I might be a people person, but sometimes you see me being sweet and outgoing, and inside i'm dying.

Going back to what I would do if I found out my child was being bullied. I wouldn't run and tell the principle hoping he would talk to the kid or their parents. Coming from a victim, that only makes the kids act out more against you. "Oooooo you told!" Then they back you into a corner and you fear for your life. I would sit down with my child and love him or her. I would tell them every day how amazing they are to me. I would go OUT OF MY WAY to make them know they matter. I would talk to a counclor at school WITH my child. And voice my concern of the bullies acting out more. THAT is what I would do.

 Watch what you say, do, and how you act. You don't know who's life you are shaping.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Swear Word That Starts With M

No, not marriage. Mother, Mommy, Mama. If you are reading this post in hopes that I have changed my mind and I am not still hurting, carry on. Today is not a day where I am peppy and happy. It is not a day where I pretend I am a good LDS woman who went to church. I did not. Maybe I am wrong, but I just can not handle going on a day dedicated to what I am not. Now I know many of your first thoughts when I said that was "You are a mother to anyone you love." or "You are a future mother." But if you have been in my shoes, wither it was losing a child, getting a divorce with wee ones still, or marrying when you were older. You know that no matter how many times that is said to you, or how much you know its true, it doesn't make the pain go away. You can spend the day loving someone else, serving someone else. But lets call a spade a spade. For us mothers that are yet to be moms, or even you single mothers, or mothers who lost a child, it doesn't fully help.

Sure I have had countless friends text, call, message, and "check in". More so than any other year. And that is amazing, it helped. However, I can't always be on the go, there are going to be those quiet moments where  my brain rests and my heart awakens at the feeling of being alone. The feeling of "What did I do wrong?" or "Was he the one? If I would of married him would my life be better?" And in those moments no one, not even God himself can always help me. Nothing fixes it. However, a dear friend who CONSTANTLY supports me quietly in her own special way posted something on my Facebook today. And with all the people supporting me, telling me to "Buck up, it could be worse" this is what hit home. In case Mothers Day is hard for you

Instantly my feelings, every single one was validated. I felt comforted, understood, and I knew whomever wrote this knew my pain in her own form. I am not ashamed I am moody today. I have always wanted to be a mother. I had billions of babies growing up. And I stuffed them all into one stroller. No, that is not foreshadowing  This woman stops at 2!

I am thankful for those moments in life where we can learn from one another. So ladies, if you are hurting it is okay. If you cry, it is okay. If you want nothing more right now than to have your child back, have someone help you raise your kids again, or to have a child of your own, that IS okay. Don't be ashamed of your heart, tears, or desires. Most of all, DON'T hide them like sometimes the world wants you to. Just because you express how you feel good or bad, it doesn't mean you are strong or weak. It means you are human. It also means you have the biggest, most giving, loving, and open heart. That is nothing to be ashamed of. That is the kinda heart God WILL bless with a child in this life or the next.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Love

It is no mystery to most that I love the L word. I was raised to say it, and say it often. If I feel it I say it. And not each time is it returned. Not each time is it meant the way I want it to be meant. But when it is said by someone so important to you, it changes your view points of many things. I am imperfect, this is no shock to most of you reading this. I do stupid things, say stupid things, and think stupid things. And I do them over and over. Sometimes I judge, and sometimes I don't when I should. However, loving is one thing I have mastered. I have learned from many many unhappy parts of my life to love the person even when their actions might not be something I love.

The last month has been VERY hard for me to handle. Daily I could post about something that was negative  And at the start of the month I did so. After watching General Conference I learned so many different things. First I learned tons about faith. I learned that loving myself in spite of the mishaps, would give me stronger faith. So for a while I faked it. I pretended I was not stressed and unhappy, soon I made some super close girlfriends who really understood and could relate to my brain and how I thought. They gave me things that helped them. For example. I am now a proud owner of a happy jar. Each day, no matter how crappy I find something happy about it and write it on a paper and put it in there. When I can't think of something i take out the papers and read what I had said before. Usually something is sparked in my brain and I find something happy. By doing this I have found a fantastic power and peace in life.

Recently, I have had one of the most amazing moments of my month. I was texting a friend and I said "I miss you :( " Said friend responded back with I miss you too, I hope you have a fun night and that we can hang out soon. I responded back with a Sleep well, I love you tons. For the first time in text form or at all an "I love you tons too." came back. My heart was warm and I felt tears form. And for the first time I fully comprehended Christlike Love. I knew this friend didn't mean it romantically, so I was able to think about moments. From almost catching a park on fire, to long talks in a vast amount of places. This friend has recently been having a tough go this week. And all I could think about was holding this person. Making everything okay for just a few moments. And for the first time I physically wanted to take how this person was feeling and make them feel what I was. I wanted to shout to the world all the reasons I loved them. I wanted make their life easier. It occurred to me in this moment that yes, romantic love is very important in a marriage. But this Christlike love I was feeling, nothing could be it. Not the best kiss of my life, or the comfort in their eyes. I knew in that moment, if i could find THAT kind of love combined with romance, I would have a marriage that would of course take work. But that work would be easier to do, because I would WANT to.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Understanding Yourself

I believe with every ounce of my soul that there are times in ones life where they sit and think, "What the hell is the next step?" I know that there have been countless times where I have felt I should move forward, but didn't know how. There have been times where i sat on my bed, hands in my face with tears painting it. I was confused, lost, annoyed, angry, and at the point of breaking. EVERY single one of these times I can tell you I have said words like, "Help me", "Take this away", and even the words "I hate my life". However, EVERY single one of those times I as taught something valuable  I was taught how to listen, observe, trust, love, and MOVE FORWARD.

I was a woman that thought she would never become what SHE wanted. A woman that thought that what she wanted was selfish and no one would understand. I can remember countless times thinking to myself, "Maybe I am just not meant to be happy. Maybe I am one of those people that will slowly just internally die."

Lets fast forward to a week ago, when i decided it was time to take care of some things. I am not sure what triggered in my head, but something did. I have become a woman that looks at failures not as something I didn't do right, but something I misunderstood. I have seen my past as something beautiful, something that has made me into who I am now. I have finally become that woman who can eat a small brownie and not say  "Yep, I failed." I have not failed, because I have not ended up dying of a heart attack, kidney failure, or the millions of other things that I could of. I have not given up on finding what makes me the happiest.

I have seen that what I want is my personal happiness, and that is okay if it is not someone else's. Life is about learning, and learning is what I am doing. Haters are going to hate, Liars are going to lie.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Something Missing Vs Something You'll Have

A friend of mine posted a question on her facebook "Do you feel you are missing something in your life? If so, what is it?" Usually my first thought when i see something like this "I wish i had a relationship  or more success, or a family, or my own home" The list goes on and on. Something last night while listening to a song my friend Melody from Melody & Tyler wrote seems to have really trigger something. I am sure there will be moments I want those things, and i still want those things. However, I don't feel they are missing right now. I know that all of the things I want will happen. When doesn't matter as much as preparing for them to happen. If something is missing in someone's life it sometimes can be they don't know what it is, or that they know but don't know how to make it happen. Thankfully the things I want, I know how to get them. And daily I am making changes in my life that they are getting closer. So no, nothing is missing in my life, things are just on hold. And I am so thankful for this realization finally. Happy Monday!!!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Touch Of The Masters Hand

For those of you who haven't heard this poem before, here is a link to read it. The rest of the post will make sense if you read it.
The Touch Of The Masters Hand

Today was a very moving day for me. And it came after a day that exhausted me. In order for you to fully grasp what the day meant to me you have to know some details.


After years of being less active I went back to church. I would be lying if i said I was perfect in my attendance. However, I gave up the lifestyle I was living. About 3 months ago I got comfortable, once I received one of the greatest blessings of a good job. I started enjoying my weekends off, which included not going to church often enough. This of course started taking its toll, I have found I have been feeling "low" a lot easier than I did when I was going to church each Sunday. However, I still didn't care enough to go to church for 3 hours. Id go for sacrament sometimes, and then just leave after.


Knowing that this week was going to be a little bit harder for me to bare than the norm because of 2 holidays. I decided to go today, well and because my Home Teacher kept asking to see me and I figured at the time this would shut him up for a month. The transition for me from the YSA ward to the Mid-singles was rough. I had no desire to be in a ward of 300+ people. The Family wards just hurt, because they always talk about finding love, families, marriage, and blah blah blah. I felt truly like a lost sheep. Today I met with my Home Teacher before church, and he asked me to tell him a bit about me. Pretty soon this poor man and his wife knew more about me than he cared to I am sure. Tears were shared as I expressed my confusion why SO many people around me see how special, amazing, and wonderful I am, but how not a single man that has the qualities I need give me the time of day. These are not qualities of a list, these are simple qualities of being LDS, being a good man. It's not like I am saying I will only marry a man that is temple worthy, and reads and prays daily, because I am not perfect in those things. As I shared that I never pictured going on 32 and having no family of my own the tears ran free. This man then spoke about marriage being eternal. And how being patient is also eternal. As he spoke I had this thought, and quickly wrote it down after. "Marriage is an eternal principle. Because it is an eternal principal there is no need to rush it, become okay with the unknown and the known will come to you" 


After this I went to sacrament. During sacrament I just sat and listened. We sang I Stand All Amazed (I can NEVER get through that song without tears) and I felt spirits lifting. Then the last speaker spoke and shared the poem above. Because I refuse myself to be auctioned cheap anymore, it is going to take someone that recognizes the touch of the masters hand in my life. He will have to be willing and able to love and support me not only in this life but in the next. As I realized this a thought from my home teacher came back to me. He said that finding the right one for me is a process. And his wife chimed in saying something to the degree of I want to make sure the right one for me is the best one. Tears flowed and I once again was reminded that just because I don't always make the best choices, I make choices that always seem to strengthen me. And if I make a choice that doesn't, I always seem to learn from it and grow. I don't want a man to love me for a season, I want a man to love me for eternity. And seeing that and feeling that today, made my single, dateless, pointless week that is about to take place a little easier to bare. Nothing says a good week like realizing you are older AND single all at once lol.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Memories

Some of my fondest memories growing up is watching sports with someone in my family. Baseball with Grandpa Brooks. Football with Uncle Mike. So when someone tells me that my love for football or baseball is silly, or that "its not life or death" I smile because it is. These 2 men and many more taught me something about passion. They taught me to love what I love. And both of these men have no shame in what they love. Both of these men are/were hardworking men for their families  They taught generations after them not to take the easy road out. They taught ME, that good men exist. That sure they are not perfect, and sometimes I might want to disown the man I someday marry, but that when push comes to shove. It's about one thing. Family. So no, my love for these things are not silly or pointless. And they are life and death, because of these things I learned to live a happy life and create memories with friends and family. My dad even called to see if i was watching "with the family". These moments, will travel with me till my death. So yes, life and death.

Here are my favorite commercials this year! Enjoy!

Friday, January 25, 2013

Once upon a time & Happily ever after........

Why is it that whenever I hear those lines I'm expecting some Disney Princess to pop out and crap rainbows and puke candy?

I remember growing up and talking about how my life would be. Most of it was I would be married to a righteous priesthood holder with 6 kids all before 35. I would make cookies and all the neighborhood kids would love me. My husband would walk in the door, kiss my cheek and ask me how he could help. I would be able to teach my kids and stay home with them. If you people aren't chuckling by now at the irony here than you are not truly my friends. I have none of those things at all. And the reality of it is this. People change.

If you were to ask me now what I want compared to even a month ago it would be different. Why? Because I grow. I learn. I move on. I don't want to be a stay at home mom with 6 kids now. I want to be a mom of how many kids God sees fit, when God sees fit, and how God sees fit.

I had this reality check today talking to a family member. The conversation left me thinking back, thinking ahead, and thinking now. Sure I would NEVER have put me at 32 and no family. But I am thankful for it. I would of NEVER put me at 32 with debt and no degree. But I am thankful for it. I would of NEVER put me at 32 fighting with myself daily to not move into my own apartment and have my own freedom. But I am thankful for it. For years people have said "Tricia, enjoy your freedom while you can. Everything changes with a family." All I could see when they said that was the blessings they showed me. The squeaks and squawks of their cute little things. The smiles, the laughs, the tears of joy. What I never saw were the sleepless nights, the questionable look on their faces when they couldn't remember if they changed their clothes or showered that day. I never saw the tears of pain, and stress, and confusion going on. I saw the good. And that's all I saw. I had "Baby Blinders" on. The minute I saw I had those on today, I quickly decided to do some changing. There are things I want to do before a family changes that goal.

I want to go to Europe with a camera in hand and take life changing pictures. In order to do that I need to also take come photography classes. I want to go to NZ and take personal life changing pictures.....*giggles* (if you know my obsession, this will make sense and you will also giggle or smile) and see some sites. I want to get totally 100% out of debt, get a NEW car, get my own apartment, become stable. ON MY OWN! I don't want to have to learn to be independent fully when I'm in a marriage. I want to walk into that marriage knowing what I have to offer is what I expect. I want to be able to have a baby within the first 2 years and not have to worry about "budgeting" for it. I want to be able to not have to have my husband walk in the door, kiss me and ask me how he can help. Reality check....that WON'T always happen.There will be days he walks in waves and walks to the bedroom, and i will walk after him with the words "if you don't take this child one of us will not live much longer!" coming from my mouth louder than usual.

Basically, never decide your happily ever after based on your once upon a time.......because you can bet that by the time you figure out what your happily ever after is, your once upon a time will make you giggle. Growing up is hard to do, and what we pictured growing up is hardly ever what really happens. Smile. Deal with it. Love it!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

New Eyes

This is not a pity me blog, this is a blog allowing most of you to see a different side of me. I grew up not being "the popular" kid. I can count on 2 hands the number of true friends i had. I can count on one of those hands the number of those friends that I saw daily. To say I was bullied is to put it lightly. When someone says "Man, I'd love to go back to high school!" I usually agree so that I don't look weird. However, no one could pay me enough money to go back to that life. I didn't grow up Mormon in Utah where i would feel secure, safe, and loved. My parents didn't make enough money to get me nice clothes, and pay for me to be in tons of extra activities. The words fat, weird, ugly, uncool, stupid, and loser were part of the daily vocabulary I heard. And I tell you what, you call someone those names long enough part of who they are become that person. I was pushed down stairs, backed into walls and kicked and punched. I would take all that over the moment where a girl just kept poking my stomach calling me Miss Piggy. I came home from school with bruises, and assured my parents that it is just because i tripped. Anytime i told someone about it, it just got worse. There were few times I truly felt comfortable in my skin. My homecoming date i felt asked because of pressure from adults. I asked for prom, and he said yes just to protect my feelings. I was the most dedicated LDS person around because the adults there told me how special I was. The minute I could leave that life I did. I rushed into things, did things that adults told me I should because it was the next step. I ran.

When I came to Utah in 2004 I was basically as innocent as one could be. I hadn't kissed a boy, hadn't held hands, and no man other than my father had EVER called me beautiful. I didn't realize just how wounded from my past I was, so when a boy gave me attention I soaked it up like a sponge. When said boy ended up breaking my heart and teaching me men will do anything for....lets be real here.......a piece of ass I was tainted. My view of who I was, was even more at risk. I was taught in order to be loved I had to give people what they wanted. And for many years I did just that. I still do just that. I will love someone so much for so long that I suffocate them. I think that if i try hard enough I can win them. And if I don't win them, than i feel fat, ugly, weird, uncool, loser, and stupid. All those harsh words come back and find me.

Don't get me wrong there are people in my life that tell me good things about myself. They praise the parts of me that are good, and are there to support me when the parts are bad come about. They love me for who I am becoming, and for the strengths I have now. They know how to speak my language. I am blessed. However, a tiger doesn't change its stripes overnight. I could have the whole world telling me good things, highlighting my strengths. But those words.......they are still there. They still hurt. And at times I still believe them.

When that man I adore doesn't adore me back? Ugly, Fat. When no one invites me out to do things, or when I have to plan my own birthday every single year basically? Uncool. Loser. When I lose my aid because I decided going to that Friday class at 8 am didn't matter? Stupid. The best is when I feel all of those at once. When a man doesn't return my love that is successful and has every trait I could ever want in a mate? Ugly, Fat, Uncool, Loser, and Stupid. I have felt all of these things within the last 6 months.

However, tonight.....while taking a shower something in my head snapped. I broke down in tears just leaning against the wall and sobbing. Physically I was breaking, Emotionally I was broken, Spiritually I felt alone. I was sorta mad. Why would he leave me in my greatest time of need? When EVERYTHING was now at the surface. Where was that peace? That embrace? That voice that whispered I'd be okay? I hit the wall. Stood up still sobbing and finished the shower. I came into my room drained. I was confused, lost, and uncertain of what road to take. Then a thought happened. A line in a book I read once to a little kid. "I made you, and I don't make mistakes." Tears streamed. I smiled as I just fell to my bed.

He didn't LEAVE me. He backed up enough that he could still catch me when I feel, but not close enough that I felt he could take care of it without my help. He wanted ME to figure this out so I could be proud of my progress. I am not single because of any of those bad words. I am not poor and struggling because of any of those bad words. I am single because I need to grow. And I am poor and struggling because I need to grow. I would love to say that I will never feel those words again. But lets be real, I will. However,the moment when you finally see what everyone around you sees is probably one of the top 10 moments of your life. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Love it. And remember that feeling.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Loving/Being in Love: The TRICKIEST thing to tell the difference between!

For the past 2 years now my heart has been convinced I was in love with a man. And for the past 6 months it has tried SO hard to not be. I couldn't understand how on earth I could be in love with him when we never had a relationship. I have talked to SO many people about this man and this situation, and I have had responses from "He just needs time." to "He doesn't deserve you". None of the answers I was getting made sense, and for me I was at a point where any attention from him was good enough for me. Because of this I would physically allow him to be close to me. It never got to the point where it was anything bad, it was stuff like me putting my arm though his at movies, or me cuddling in as close as possible. A few times throughout the last 6 months I have spoke with a male friend who is getting his masters in Psychology. We had countless talks about my past and how it played into my present. At one point he brought up the book "The 5 Love Languages", the only time I had read this book was when I was dating my ex. And even then I never really fully took it in.

In this book it is mentioned that you develop your love languages because of what you use to have and don't, or what you have never had. My primary love language was physical touch, and oddly enough my 2nd one is only 1 point off of my first. That is words of affirmation.

As I talked to this guy friend that was getting his masters, he mentioned that I could in fact be in love with this gentleman of 2 years, because he spoke love to me in my language. He complimented me, he cared, and let me have him physically near. I grew to accept that, but it wasn't until tonight when I got a random phone call from a man that truly was listening to a prompting that it all made sense. I almost didn't answer the call, because it was not common for him to call. However, I did. As we talked he asked how i was and I broke down in tears. He got a fast version of the last 2 years of my life with this other gentlemen. He asked me a couple of honest raw questions. And we talked more and more. As we talked my brain started figuring things out.

I can't expect to ever be okay with just being this gentlemen of 2 years friend if I am allowing him to talk to me in my love languages. Yes, it is possible to keep him as a friend, but it is not possible if I keep allowing myself to feel that love. This point sparked what could be the deciding factor in me finally moving on. This friend said to me tonight on the phone. "I don't think you are in love with him, as much as you are in love with his behavior." He then shared an example from his own life that was EXACTLY like mine but roles reversed. He talked about how after that he promised things to himself that would protect him. He focused on other things but still hurt for this woman. I think he also said something like "I was told to get over someone you have to get "under" someone else." Every time I have heard that phrase it always seemed so negative  but as we talked it became more clear for me. And now it makes total sense. For me to fully move on from this gentlemen, I need to find someone that treats me how he did, AND also provides the real love too. The love of him telling me wants to be with me, him telling me how he feels about me, him wanting me in his life on the level I want him in mine.

Just because this gentlemen spoke my language doesn't mean I am in love with him, It means I love the behaviors of him. I love things about him that he did that proved that men can and will speak my language  How thankful I TRULY am now that this man is in my life. How thankful I am for God, for answering a prayer I prayed MONTHS ago, and said again last week. "I don't know how to move on, I don't understand. Please show me how."

How thankful I am that a man tonight was listening to a prompting, and acted. It truly was the answer from God I needed. Lucky 13'? Yep, it will be!!!!!! Might not be lucky in love, but I will be lucky in myself!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Moments of Learning

So tonight for the first time I believe, my male bestie and I kinda got into a heated discussion. I mentioned how I felt parents should do a college fund for their kids. He disagreed. This sparked said heated discussion. His stance was that a child that has to provide for his own schooling, and work part time gains work ethnic along with other things. My stance was that if a child had a fund it would be easier for him/her to focus on school. Both were good points, but after this discussion linked to a much more personal one for me I discovered something. I swear, this man teaches me things about myself without fail, each time we spend time together. Most of the time we just end up laying on my bed talking as he lets me get my physical touch language fulfilled  Meaning he lets me lean on him and just feel him close. This man has a way of getting me to talk out my inner feelings, and find things I want to fix. For example.

Tonight, I discovered through talking that I grew up being constantly reminded a woman should get married. I can remember 95% of my talks with my family were about how I was going to get married and have kids. How i would stay home and be a "mother in zion". And each time after I left the nest, the question of if i was dating always was asked. And if i was, the question of how close to marriage was I was next. I was reminded my mother wanted grandkids monthly. It is NO WONDER, I have this love sick, want to get married feeling so bad. It was drilled into me. I know what I am about to say will possibly spark some talks, because it is not what the church teaches. After being in the job I am currently at I have discovered, I do not want to be a full time stay at home mommy. I want to work. I want to make money that I made. So that when its my husbands birthday, or Christmas I can get him a present that isnt bought with his money. I want to be able to keep my own image, gain a new one, and still have a close family. I have seen it done, so i know it can be.

I am thankful for this man once again, who has helped me see things.