Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Forgiveness for my Father

There are many other names I have called him sperm donor being the nicest one. Over the last 15 years I have had a man stalk my thoughts, dreams, goals, eating habits, and life. I have allowed this man to be there even though he never wanted to be. I gave him credit for things that he didn't deserve. I gave him hell for things he did. I hated him for never loving me how i saw fit. Now, I love him for hating me how he saw fit. At the age of 16 HE made a choice to leave my life. For all I know for the last 15 years I have been giving a dead man permission to run my life. Today that ended.

I can't tell you every day from here on out will be easy, and that I will always feel what I do now. That doesn't matter. Right now does. And right now, right this minute. Father, I forgive you.

I forgive you for walking away from the best damn thing that could of been part of your life. I forgive you for not being there on my homecoming, prom, or the day I left for school. I forgive you for giving me nothing but your name and eyes. I forgive you in advance for not being there when I look into the man I will marry's eyes  and see my future. I forgive you in advance for not being there when your grandchild is born. I forgive you for not seeing what you had when you had it. Most of all, I forgive you for not loving me. I don't know why you didn't, and for years I let that run my life. Today, as I write this I am taking back my life.

Thank you for the last 15 years. 15 years of pain that taught me many things. Things that only a person that goes through this can learn. Thank you for helping me grow up into the woman I am. A strong, loving, understanding, sweet, funny, beautiful woman. I only wish you could see me now. See how independent I have become because of you.

For many people in the world out there, they think hate is what heals. Hate doesn't heal. Forgiveness and Love do. So, yes I forgive you. Yes, I love you. And I hope wherever you are, even if its just for one day a year you think of me. And when you do, I hope you know I am well. And I have moved on.

All my love.

1 comment:

  1. I agree 100%. The only way to keep moving forward is to let go. Im proud of you for letting go and forgiving. I know it can't be hard. Love you friend.