Sunday, November 25, 2012

Darkness Into Light

Just a fast little blog

I am reminded tonight that just because we are not getting the things we want most right now doesn't mean we wont. Usually there is a reason we don't get it. Like me losing my aid for school, at the time I was so lost on what to do and why this was happening. I felt i needed to work and focus on finding a secure job. Now months later I have that. One that I will keep and take night classes with. One that will help me get other jobs in the future. I love the job also. I would not of had this job nor taken it if I were in school this semester.

The thing i want most in life really is that other person to love. Its not about me being taken care of. Its about being able to love someone like I know i can. Its about bringing life into this world and having a constant reminder of how blessed i am. There is a reason why I haven't found this. I don't know why right now. However, I know its a good reason.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


As I have spent the last few days crabby from living Merphy's law where if anything can go wrong it does, I have tried to change my attitude. Nothing seemed to work, in fact things just seem to get worse. There were times I'd go to the restroom at work and just cry. Thinking about all the ways I have let myself down recently, along with a few others. I would constantly go back to the moment in my head where I felt that peace a few weeks ago driving back from Orem. Finally, today during lunch break where I forgot my lunch at home I just went in there and hit the wall in tears. I remember thinking "WHY?!" I couldn't understand why on earth I was feeling this way when I knew I was blessed in so many other ways. It was really starting to bug me. And the usual answer of "Just get over it." wasn't working. As I scooted down along the wall sobbing I uttered the words, "Help me understand, and thank you for being patient." Once again, instantly i felt at peace. I felt someone physically holding my hand as i just cried it out. In that moment I cried harder thinking about how i wished more than anything right now I had my own cute little family to attempt to make Thanksgiving day food for. How I wished I had a cute little girl to dress up in a dress with bows in her hair that I had made. How I wished I had a husband to be thankful for. Then it hit me. Like a semi truck.

I have these things to be thankful for. Because someday, I know without a doubt I will have them. Someday, the man of MY dreams will walk into my life and all of this pain will make sense. Heck, maybe he is in it right now and he just doesn't know it nor do I. Someday, I will marry my best friend. The man that knows how imperfectly perfect for him I am. A man that will love my brain, and be willing to understand how it works. A man that will love my heart, and that will guard it with his life. A man that will allow me to love him unconditionally, without fail. So in the spirit of this Holiday as I go out to Chuck-a- Rama with my friend tomorrow. Husband, lover, father of my children, wherever you are I love you. As you are sitting there thinking the same thing as I wishing you had that woman of YOUR dreams, know I am preparing for you. Know that I am 100% sure I will complain about you not being here again soon lol. But know that you are worth this wait. I'd wait 1000 years for a man with these qualities you will have and more. In this moment, I stand corrected. Soul-mates exists, because i can feel mine is out there. Happy Thanks-giving!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Forgiveness for my Father

There are many other names I have called him sperm donor being the nicest one. Over the last 15 years I have had a man stalk my thoughts, dreams, goals, eating habits, and life. I have allowed this man to be there even though he never wanted to be. I gave him credit for things that he didn't deserve. I gave him hell for things he did. I hated him for never loving me how i saw fit. Now, I love him for hating me how he saw fit. At the age of 16 HE made a choice to leave my life. For all I know for the last 15 years I have been giving a dead man permission to run my life. Today that ended.

I can't tell you every day from here on out will be easy, and that I will always feel what I do now. That doesn't matter. Right now does. And right now, right this minute. Father, I forgive you.

I forgive you for walking away from the best damn thing that could of been part of your life. I forgive you for not being there on my homecoming, prom, or the day I left for school. I forgive you for giving me nothing but your name and eyes. I forgive you in advance for not being there when I look into the man I will marry's eyes  and see my future. I forgive you in advance for not being there when your grandchild is born. I forgive you for not seeing what you had when you had it. Most of all, I forgive you for not loving me. I don't know why you didn't, and for years I let that run my life. Today, as I write this I am taking back my life.

Thank you for the last 15 years. 15 years of pain that taught me many things. Things that only a person that goes through this can learn. Thank you for helping me grow up into the woman I am. A strong, loving, understanding, sweet, funny, beautiful woman. I only wish you could see me now. See how independent I have become because of you.

For many people in the world out there, they think hate is what heals. Hate doesn't heal. Forgiveness and Love do. So, yes I forgive you. Yes, I love you. And I hope wherever you are, even if its just for one day a year you think of me. And when you do, I hope you know I am well. And I have moved on.

All my love.