Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Letter To The One I Love

Dear Man,

I am not truly sure I can put into words all my heart feels, all my soul speaks, or all my tears have said. What I do know is that you have changed all these things and more. My heart feels things that it has never felt before. My soul whispers things to my brain daily that cause my tears to speak. You have indeed changed my world. There is nothing about me that is the same as a year and half ago. There are parts of me that have grown so much that I am not even sure who I was before you. You have taught me so many things about myself, love, respect, honesty, and emotions.

I remember one time I asked my grandmother how she knew grandpa was the one for her. She said that it was something she felt. I smiled thinking that was the end of the sentence, then she went on. She talked about how there hasn't been a day that has gone by that her soul didn't confirm it. She talked about all the trials, fights, mishaps. She spoke of all the laughs, the love, and births of her kids. And when she did i could see this "light" in her eyes. That light is him. How do I know? Because there were countless times when I looked at you across the table, room, or during a movie and I have no doubt that light was in mine also.

I think my biggest fear right now isn't that I will die alone anymore. My biggest fear is that I won't find a man that did all the things you did. A man that makes me laugh more than I ever did at a comedy show. A man that has this way of making me instantly at peace by just a touch of his hand. A man that when he looks at me he soothes me, and causes butterflies all at the same time. A man who knows ALL my imperfections, mistakes, and things I hate about me but supports, cares, and is grateful for me for who I will be. A man that listens, but knows that if he challenges a thought of mine I will open my mind more. Most of all, a man who I can and will gladly say now, I love. And not just the kinda love you feel when you watch a love story, but the kinda love you feel during a funny comedy, and a killer action movie. The kind of love that motivates, comforts, and causes one to be at peace.

So sure, I might not ever be able to call you mine, but what i can call you my love. And for the very first time I am not ashamed of that. For the first time I do not regret it. Because now, I know what that love feels like. And now, I will not settle for anything less.

All my love,
Me

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Prayers

On the way back from Provo tonight i pulled into a park and just sat there thinking....contemplating.....and sending out heartfelt prayers. For the first time in a VERY long time, these prayers were not just "Please bless me, Please give me, Please take away" It was one SIMPLE statement that gave me the most inner peace that I have felt in a long time. "Please help me understand.". I know that this understanding will not happen overnight. I know that this understanding might not happen for months, years, or even in this lifetime. What i do know is that HE heard me. And he did the one thing he could do for me without taking away my agency. He calmed me with his comfort and love. It warms my heart still......knowing that this happened without having to call on the priesthood power. Knowing that it happened because I was listening. Knowing that this happened because I FINALLY after years and years am coming to a understanding how he works just a bit.

As many of you know I am one of the most relationship  marriage, baby loving women out there. Nothing, NOTHING in this world would bring me greater joy than to be a wife, and mother. And for years and years, one by one I have watched people around me get this. And many times i sat there thinking, "What did i do wrong?" "Why don't men see me how my girl friends see me?", "And why in the Hades do I keep finding the fixer upper men?" I have cried many tears, punched many pillows, and screamed at many stars in my years trying to figure this out. Recently while talking to one of my male friends, we talked about how in the church we are always told to be patient and have faith. And because we are both single, most of the time that statement is tied to "Why am I not married or dating a good man/woman?". As we were talking I remember saying something like "Now hear what I am about to say. I am not saying that I do not believe in God and that being patient and having faith isn't a good answer. What i am saying is that I do not think it is all there is to the answer." I then went on to talk about how for so many years I have fallen into the trap of "If i wait MY 'perfect' half will come." Believing that it was JUST timing. Given that is part of it.....it is not all of it.

God is real, and i have no doubt in the world that he loves me and answers my prayers. But if we follow the Plan of Salvation and really pay attention we are told that Satan's way was cast aside because he wanted to MAKE US do things. Christs way was chosen because he wanted us to have our AGENCY. To me that doesn't mean that God is up there with a little chess pawn piece waiting to put the King in my corner. He is up there waiting for ME to put the King in my corner. He is not going to do it for me. He is going to tell me how to do it! He is not going to take away my agency so I can't learn some lesson. Now before y'all go off about how i am wrong let me say this. This answer just might be different for others. But for me that moment of that inner peace in my car tonight with tears flowing down my face as to why the men that ARE my 'perfect man' don't find me as their perfect woman it hit me. And i remembered part of my patriarchal blessing that always alarmed me. However, now it just comforts me. I can not sit here and wait for God to make this happen. I can't sit here and keep being so negative about relationships  men, and dating. Why? Because reality is.....It is no ones fault but mine. I am single because I, ME, am not ready. There is something I am missing, and by golly when i figure it out you bet your sweet roll i will fix it. And when that happens....Watch out men. It is not going to be that i am not endowed, it is not going to be the size of my waist line, it is not going to be my education. It is going to be something that encompasses all of that. And i can put a good wager on the fact it is going to have to do with trust, understanding, brotherly kindness, and being submissive like a child. When i can posses more of these traits that Ruth had, I will find a man that will love me more than anything. And to him i will be worth more than all the rubies in the world. Bring it on!!!!!