Sunday, December 30, 2012

Goodbye 12', Hello Lucky 13'

Last year this time my New Years Resolution was to take risks, listen to promptings, and become a strong woman.

Feb/March: I acted on a prompting/revelation given to me in a blessing by my dear friend Ryan B. I loved back to Salt Lake City. No job, or idea what was to come. My friend Amber's family took me in and was a major part of why I am where i am now. I have went through many tears to get here. I have a job I love, and I am in a home I'm comfortable in.

April/May: I put my heart on the line and took a risk. I confessed my love to a man. Although he didn't return the same feelings I had, and I was hurt pretty bad, and I still have moments where it hurts, I was forced to decide if our friendship was strong enough to withstand my disappointment. I had learned what a prompting felt like from before and told God I would/could only do this if he helped me. He did, and still does. This man is now my best friend, he knows me to my core. He has taught me so much, and still does so daily. This leads to the third thing.

Become a stronger woman: I have learned what love is, how faith works, and that there is a difference between being Christ-like and being a doormat. Most recently I have learned I am a bigger deal that I felt/thought I was. I have learned that EVERYONE at one point or another has felt what I feel. Some worse then I. I have learned comparing myself to anyone but me just gives Satan the upper hand in distracting me from my goals. Lastly, I have learned letting go SUCKS, and never ever happens how we want or as fast we want it to. But, if we keep going it does happen.

God bless you 2012, you tried to take me down. However, I outplayed, and outwitted you. I made friends, I lost friends. I decided what was important in y life, and what wasn't. I looked at where I had been for the last 13 years and decided that it was finally time to make changes to life to get to where I want to bed. I realized I am the only one who can control my destiny. And that it is clearly time to do so. So, I welcome you lucky 13' with open arms. I know you will not make it easy. But i know you will be worth it. I am thankful for my many friends who were my rock this year in many ways. You kept me going, so I was able to see all these things at the years end. God bless you and yours for this alone!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Darkness Into Light

Just a fast little blog

I am reminded tonight that just because we are not getting the things we want most right now doesn't mean we wont. Usually there is a reason we don't get it. Like me losing my aid for school, at the time I was so lost on what to do and why this was happening. I felt i needed to work and focus on finding a secure job. Now months later I have that. One that I will keep and take night classes with. One that will help me get other jobs in the future. I love the job also. I would not of had this job nor taken it if I were in school this semester.

The thing i want most in life really is that other person to love. Its not about me being taken care of. Its about being able to love someone like I know i can. Its about bringing life into this world and having a constant reminder of how blessed i am. There is a reason why I haven't found this. I don't know why right now. However, I know its a good reason.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Thanks-Giving

As I have spent the last few days crabby from living Merphy's law where if anything can go wrong it does, I have tried to change my attitude. Nothing seemed to work, in fact things just seem to get worse. There were times I'd go to the restroom at work and just cry. Thinking about all the ways I have let myself down recently, along with a few others. I would constantly go back to the moment in my head where I felt that peace a few weeks ago driving back from Orem. Finally, today during lunch break where I forgot my lunch at home I just went in there and hit the wall in tears. I remember thinking "WHY?!" I couldn't understand why on earth I was feeling this way when I knew I was blessed in so many other ways. It was really starting to bug me. And the usual answer of "Just get over it." wasn't working. As I scooted down along the wall sobbing I uttered the words, "Help me understand, and thank you for being patient." Once again, instantly i felt at peace. I felt someone physically holding my hand as i just cried it out. In that moment I cried harder thinking about how i wished more than anything right now I had my own cute little family to attempt to make Thanksgiving day food for. How I wished I had a cute little girl to dress up in a dress with bows in her hair that I had made. How I wished I had a husband to be thankful for. Then it hit me. Like a semi truck.

I have these things to be thankful for. Because someday, I know without a doubt I will have them. Someday, the man of MY dreams will walk into my life and all of this pain will make sense. Heck, maybe he is in it right now and he just doesn't know it nor do I. Someday, I will marry my best friend. The man that knows how imperfectly perfect for him I am. A man that will love my brain, and be willing to understand how it works. A man that will love my heart, and that will guard it with his life. A man that will allow me to love him unconditionally, without fail. So in the spirit of this Holiday as I go out to Chuck-a- Rama with my friend tomorrow. Husband, lover, father of my children, wherever you are I love you. As you are sitting there thinking the same thing as I wishing you had that woman of YOUR dreams, know I am preparing for you. Know that I am 100% sure I will complain about you not being here again soon lol. But know that you are worth this wait. I'd wait 1000 years for a man with these qualities you will have and more. In this moment, I stand corrected. Soul-mates exists, because i can feel mine is out there. Happy Thanks-giving!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Forgiveness for my Father

There are many other names I have called him sperm donor being the nicest one. Over the last 15 years I have had a man stalk my thoughts, dreams, goals, eating habits, and life. I have allowed this man to be there even though he never wanted to be. I gave him credit for things that he didn't deserve. I gave him hell for things he did. I hated him for never loving me how i saw fit. Now, I love him for hating me how he saw fit. At the age of 16 HE made a choice to leave my life. For all I know for the last 15 years I have been giving a dead man permission to run my life. Today that ended.

I can't tell you every day from here on out will be easy, and that I will always feel what I do now. That doesn't matter. Right now does. And right now, right this minute. Father, I forgive you.

I forgive you for walking away from the best damn thing that could of been part of your life. I forgive you for not being there on my homecoming, prom, or the day I left for school. I forgive you for giving me nothing but your name and eyes. I forgive you in advance for not being there when I look into the man I will marry's eyes  and see my future. I forgive you in advance for not being there when your grandchild is born. I forgive you for not seeing what you had when you had it. Most of all, I forgive you for not loving me. I don't know why you didn't, and for years I let that run my life. Today, as I write this I am taking back my life.

Thank you for the last 15 years. 15 years of pain that taught me many things. Things that only a person that goes through this can learn. Thank you for helping me grow up into the woman I am. A strong, loving, understanding, sweet, funny, beautiful woman. I only wish you could see me now. See how independent I have become because of you.

For many people in the world out there, they think hate is what heals. Hate doesn't heal. Forgiveness and Love do. So, yes I forgive you. Yes, I love you. And I hope wherever you are, even if its just for one day a year you think of me. And when you do, I hope you know I am well. And I have moved on.

All my love.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

My Letter To The One I Love

Dear Man,

I am not truly sure I can put into words all my heart feels, all my soul speaks, or all my tears have said. What I do know is that you have changed all these things and more. My heart feels things that it has never felt before. My soul whispers things to my brain daily that cause my tears to speak. You have indeed changed my world. There is nothing about me that is the same as a year and half ago. There are parts of me that have grown so much that I am not even sure who I was before you. You have taught me so many things about myself, love, respect, honesty, and emotions.

I remember one time I asked my grandmother how she knew grandpa was the one for her. She said that it was something she felt. I smiled thinking that was the end of the sentence, then she went on. She talked about how there hasn't been a day that has gone by that her soul didn't confirm it. She talked about all the trials, fights, mishaps. She spoke of all the laughs, the love, and births of her kids. And when she did i could see this "light" in her eyes. That light is him. How do I know? Because there were countless times when I looked at you across the table, room, or during a movie and I have no doubt that light was in mine also.

I think my biggest fear right now isn't that I will die alone anymore. My biggest fear is that I won't find a man that did all the things you did. A man that makes me laugh more than I ever did at a comedy show. A man that has this way of making me instantly at peace by just a touch of his hand. A man that when he looks at me he soothes me, and causes butterflies all at the same time. A man who knows ALL my imperfections, mistakes, and things I hate about me but supports, cares, and is grateful for me for who I will be. A man that listens, but knows that if he challenges a thought of mine I will open my mind more. Most of all, a man who I can and will gladly say now, I love. And not just the kinda love you feel when you watch a love story, but the kinda love you feel during a funny comedy, and a killer action movie. The kind of love that motivates, comforts, and causes one to be at peace.

So sure, I might not ever be able to call you mine, but what i can call you my love. And for the very first time I am not ashamed of that. For the first time I do not regret it. Because now, I know what that love feels like. And now, I will not settle for anything less.

All my love,
Me

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Prayers

On the way back from Provo tonight i pulled into a park and just sat there thinking....contemplating.....and sending out heartfelt prayers. For the first time in a VERY long time, these prayers were not just "Please bless me, Please give me, Please take away" It was one SIMPLE statement that gave me the most inner peace that I have felt in a long time. "Please help me understand.". I know that this understanding will not happen overnight. I know that this understanding might not happen for months, years, or even in this lifetime. What i do know is that HE heard me. And he did the one thing he could do for me without taking away my agency. He calmed me with his comfort and love. It warms my heart still......knowing that this happened without having to call on the priesthood power. Knowing that it happened because I was listening. Knowing that this happened because I FINALLY after years and years am coming to a understanding how he works just a bit.

As many of you know I am one of the most relationship  marriage, baby loving women out there. Nothing, NOTHING in this world would bring me greater joy than to be a wife, and mother. And for years and years, one by one I have watched people around me get this. And many times i sat there thinking, "What did i do wrong?" "Why don't men see me how my girl friends see me?", "And why in the Hades do I keep finding the fixer upper men?" I have cried many tears, punched many pillows, and screamed at many stars in my years trying to figure this out. Recently while talking to one of my male friends, we talked about how in the church we are always told to be patient and have faith. And because we are both single, most of the time that statement is tied to "Why am I not married or dating a good man/woman?". As we were talking I remember saying something like "Now hear what I am about to say. I am not saying that I do not believe in God and that being patient and having faith isn't a good answer. What i am saying is that I do not think it is all there is to the answer." I then went on to talk about how for so many years I have fallen into the trap of "If i wait MY 'perfect' half will come." Believing that it was JUST timing. Given that is part of it.....it is not all of it.

God is real, and i have no doubt in the world that he loves me and answers my prayers. But if we follow the Plan of Salvation and really pay attention we are told that Satan's way was cast aside because he wanted to MAKE US do things. Christs way was chosen because he wanted us to have our AGENCY. To me that doesn't mean that God is up there with a little chess pawn piece waiting to put the King in my corner. He is up there waiting for ME to put the King in my corner. He is not going to do it for me. He is going to tell me how to do it! He is not going to take away my agency so I can't learn some lesson. Now before y'all go off about how i am wrong let me say this. This answer just might be different for others. But for me that moment of that inner peace in my car tonight with tears flowing down my face as to why the men that ARE my 'perfect man' don't find me as their perfect woman it hit me. And i remembered part of my patriarchal blessing that always alarmed me. However, now it just comforts me. I can not sit here and wait for God to make this happen. I can't sit here and keep being so negative about relationships  men, and dating. Why? Because reality is.....It is no ones fault but mine. I am single because I, ME, am not ready. There is something I am missing, and by golly when i figure it out you bet your sweet roll i will fix it. And when that happens....Watch out men. It is not going to be that i am not endowed, it is not going to be the size of my waist line, it is not going to be my education. It is going to be something that encompasses all of that. And i can put a good wager on the fact it is going to have to do with trust, understanding, brotherly kindness, and being submissive like a child. When i can posses more of these traits that Ruth had, I will find a man that will love me more than anything. And to him i will be worth more than all the rubies in the world. Bring it on!!!!!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Long Overdue

It has been forever since i have posted. Maybe because nothing really was going on that i wanted to share since i did my last one. :) However, now there is lots to talk about. The easiest way to share this story was to do a blog. Then all of you fans (friends) of mine could just read it and not keep asking me. : P Love you all though!


I guess the place to start is back in October 2011. I had been discussing moving to Cedar City with my family (my aunt and uncle) and working at a call center down there. I received a direct confirmation that i should move, so i did. I moved thinking i was moving to build a stronger relationship with my family and to get out of debt. I had a job lined up and everything went VERY smooth. It was almost to smooth. But I figured there would be some major event that would make it all make sense to me. Month after month things just got worse. I wasn't as happy as i was here in SLC. And it wasn't just something i could fix with my mood. I spent time with my family, worked, and did things with friends. Nothing was working. 


It was starting in November/December i started praying a little harder about things. I knew there was a reason i was prompted to go to Cedar, and i was starting to think it was just for school. In January i lost my job, which just added fuel to the fire. The prayers started to be more of desperation to know what on earth HIS plan was. I finally decided that school was my answer. I got everything rolling to apply at SUU. I then got a "job" at a day care and things just seem to fit and i was feeling better. About 2 weekends ago I decided to come to SLC to get a "break" and visit some friends. A much needed thing in my life. Events happened that truly tested my strength in the church, and where i wanted to be in life. Saturday night of that weekend, 2 mins before my friend and i walked out of her house I got a call from my day care boss. 8pm at night....ya i knew it wasn't good. She explained she didn't have enough hours and blah blah blah....so she felt for BOTH our benefit she should let me go. I lost it.....hanging up the phone i burst into tears and was totally not me. I was going to a party where i knew i would have to FAKE being happy. My friend informed our other amazing male friend that I needed a blessing but I probably wouldn't ask him hahaha! How well she knew me already so fast was amazing. So we got to the party i began to socialize a bit with the small group that was there. The min i saw this guy friend i knew that i needed a blessing. So we went into a room and talked and he gave me the BEST blessing i ever had besides my Patriarchal Blessing. 


In the blessing i was told many many self confirming things. How proud Heavenly Father was of me for the changes i WILLINGLY made in my life. How much he loved me and so on. Then, i was told "The next big move in your life will be a stressful, but peaceful, rewarding, and motivating one." I was told to listen to the Holy Ghost and act accordingly. I was encouraged to pray more and read my scriptures more. So on. Once the prayer ended i noticed my face was dripping wet. The spirit was SO strong. Little did i know that THIS moment would be one of the BIGGEST turning points in my life. I kept doing my thing at the party, met some great people. Spent time with old friends. It felt nice. I then went back to the place i was staying and went to church with another friend. I had forgot my skirt but i had felt that i needed to go anyways. She asked me to go with her and i decided that id just wear my jeans no matter how weird i felt. As i sat there listening to the first speaker share some moments in her life, tears just kept coming from my eyes. She then shared what is now my favorite scripture Ether 12:6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith..

When i first heard this all i could do was cry, what i took out of it at that time was that faith was things hoped for but not seen. I was hoping to get answer if i should move back and i had to have the faith i would get that. I received a couple other blessings from men that didn't know a thing about what was going on. The same kinda thing was said. This time I remembered more of the "Study the gospel to find your daily answers". So i went home and re-read that scripture. This time, the thing that stuck out was " dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. I INSTANTLY felt warm and at peace. That was my answer. Heavenly Father had sent me to Cedar to see how much i trusted him, the gospel, AND my self. He sent me to see if i would do as he wanted, not as i wanted. And the minute he saw that i was preparing to do a life there he knew i was truly accepting his way. And that now it was time to come back to where i could be most successful. One thing after another has happened in this working out. And then last night while on set at the movie i'm an extra in. The actress sang this song that almost brought me to tears. She personally confirmed once again i was here for a reason and to make the most out of it.


I am officially SO grateful for the church in my life. I am grateful that I changed my life so that I could feel what i have felt. And do what i am doing. I am grateful for so much. So thankful for my Heavenly Fathers love!