Monday, October 24, 2011

Comfortable With Life

I am truly blessed to have some amazing friends in my life. Near and far, they take care of me and i feel are in tune with what i need in my life. I have spent most of my life trying so hard to make my life how i wanted it to be. I grew up hearing that we are the Captain of our own boat. I took that literally, and i didn’t let God have the control he needed to make the boat sail the best it could. I spent years going up and down on the Love-coaster. One month I'd be so insanely happy and crazy about a boy, but the min it didn’t work out i hated love and was on a war path of self-destruction. But like the pride cycle my cycle always restarted when another boy came along. Slowly from age 19-29 I let the men of the world define me. I let them control my happiness. Yes, a couple times things worked out nicely but would end just because it wasn’t right. Yes a few of them men are still my good friends, if not best friends. But the life i was living during that time was not anything compared to what it is now. I was weak, lonely, needy, bitter, angry, jealous, and depended on everyone around me to make me feel happy. December-April 2010/2011 I became friends with 2 men that have caused such a change in my life that it has caused me to uproot my blog from before and start anew.

December 2010- I met Gabe in my ward during my reactivation. He was exactly what I was longing for in a man. So naturally i fell, and i fell fast. I put myself out there so much, and misread signs just because i wanted him to be the end of my unhappiness. After months and months of pain trying to figure out if he liked me i just asked. To my painful realization at that moment he did not. He saw me as a friend. And at that time, that was the worst thing you could say to me. I however, decided he needed to be part of my life so i kept him in it. Slowly we faded away here and there, and i honestly thought the man that turned out to be my best friend was not my best friend at all. Then the day we talked about me moving to Cedar City came. Slowly we hung out more, and the week before I left I saw that this wasn't him. It was me. I didn’t get what i want so i pulled away. For that week we hung out like we use to. And our last night we hung out was the hardest night of my entire life to date. I wasn’t just leaving my best friend. I was leaving the man that proved i was something worth respecting, loving, and cherishing. I told him he had to leave because i couldn’t handle the tears anymore. Sadly the tears lasted for hours. He was the first person to call me a few days after i was here, just to see how i was. I choked up just hearing his voice. We talked for maybe 5 mins, but it was the happiest moment of my week. I will never ever ever forget this man or lose touch. He comes with me, it’s a package deal.

March-April 2011: Ryan. This is what i call my add on to Gabe. They are so similar in some areas it makes me giggle. And the stories are basically the same. We also met at church, and had an instant connection. I again fell hard and fast lol. Shocker huh? Our first "date" was sitting on my basketball court talking. He was VERY open and honest about where he was with life. He said from the very start he wasn’t looking for love and stuff and he wasn’t sure he wanted a family and marriage. I guess i like a challenge, because one of my girl friends when i told her about the convo said "RUN!" Ryan and i still joke about that, about how i did the total opposite. Ryan is similar to Gabe. He is sweet, caring, funny (i laugh ALL the time with him), giving, loving, and is willing to do so much for his friends. Recently we had dinner and like most our dates before (even though i paid for myself lol) it got deep fast. I really don’t think we know how to do a date without a deep conversation. As we were talking some things came up that reminded me so much about my past. I remember going home and thinking, "Wow, i really truly care about this man a lot. And once again I can’t have him!" In that moment a rush of my past came back and i was truly in so much pain. I was texting one of my new guy friends here, who i should give some major credit to and i will do so in a moment. During the texting i remember saying "Maybe I'm not meant to marry a member" "Maybe this is not what i thought it was, and it was just a road to teach me what i have been taught" "Maybe, this is a faith based church and i really am not strong enough to believe let alone endure." We quickly started texting about something else to change the topic and i kinda just let it go.

October 2011: Eric. I met Eric at the dreaded dance i went to. Both of us totally didn’t want to be there but made the most of it. He is 45 and totally out of my range of age and me his. But we instantly clicked. He is the one i was texting that stuff to. This last Saturday we took my first trip to St. George, a place of which i fell in love with. Sorry you SLC friends, in 2 years you just might not be getting me back! It’s like a mini California. And i truly felt at home for the first time in weeks. We went to the mall and got Eric some work shirts and went to Barnes and Noble to look around. He insisted on getting me a book. I finally gave in. Then we went to Golden Corral and enjoyed some delicious food! We then made plans to go to a Family Fun Center, and during the drive over he discovered i had never seen the St. George temple (Which has now replaced SLC as my 2nd favorite temple) so we went there. We figured we’d take a quick walk around see the movie there, and then go to the fun center. God had another plan for me. As i walked into the grounds my heart stopped. I felt so close to heaven in was mind-blowing. I have only felt this one other time at a temple in this capacity. I truly felt like i was MEANT to be there. We then walked into the visitor center. I went to a place where they showed the testimonies of the 12 apostles. I touched the picture of Jeffery R. Holland. And then started a lil clip of him talking about Jesus taking upon himself our sins. Tears formed, my heart ached when he mentioned he not only took our sins but he took our pain, infirmities and tears. This wasn’t something new to me, but you would of thought it was by the tears dripping down my face. Then we watched a movie of Joseph Smith. Cried more? Yep, sure did!

We then walked and saw the statue of Christ that is just like the one in SLC visitor center. We were just sitting there quietly and an Elderly Couple walked up and the Elder asked if we wanted to hear the audio. I said sure. I am sure i have heard it at the Visitor Center in SLC and I’m almost sure it’s the same. But again you wouldn’t know from my tears the entire time. Off to the side there was a group of sisters gathered. I felt bad for them; I figured they thought i was a nonmember lol. As the audio played i was reminded that Christ felt EVERYTHING i have ever felt, and will feel. I again wept. The gentleman asked if i wanted to talk to a representative, and to be respectful i said yes. We went in to this room, and she asked me what touched me the most. Within moments this poor sister knew everything. I remember saying one thing in particular "I’m sure i have heard the message of him feeling my pain a million times, but something today and hearing it has tied the past 11 years of my life together." We then talked about Ryan and some things that happened that caused me to doubt what i believed for just one night. As we talked i realized one thing.

Satan gave up trying to get me with sex, drinking, and things of that lifestyle. He gave up trying to get me to think i wasn’t worthy of a good man. But now, he had a sharpened arrow ready to shoot at me. He was trying to get to me with self-doubt. He had me doubting i knew what i knew, he had me doubting i felt what i felt, and most of all he had me doubting my personal strength to resist him! As we discussed this the sister shared some scriptures that now i do not remember, then looked up at me and said " I can feel your spirit, i can see how strong you are, don’t ever doubt that. The Lord loves me, so i have no doubt he loves you also." What a life changing moment. I have made a total 360 now. I have come from the depths of misery and endless wo, to a hopeful state of happiness. It won’t always be clear and sunny, but I’m happy. For the first time in my ENTIRE life i can honestly say, I’m CONTENT being me and being "alone". Meaning depending on myself for my happiness and not anyone but myself. Well and God lol. I told myself last February that i wasn’t going to receive my endowments until i was 100% sure i was ready. Well friends, the time has come. I have a hard time with Tithing. So my only Goals in preparing to receive them are 2 fold. 1. Be a full tithe payer from now until February. 2. Read and Pray every single night/morning. I have no doubt in my mind that these men i discussed played a divine role in this moment. They helped make changes i couldn’t of imagined.

This church is true. I have no doubt on earth of its truthfulness. I'm so thankful for people in my life who had faith when i had none. Who loved when i knew not how, and who supported when i had no feet to stand on. Janalyn, You my dare were my rock for so long, until I knew how to build my cornerstone. Ally-Girl, *giggles* God bless you my sista. You are much more than a friend. You truly are my sister in Zion. Your love, advice, and sweet heart has taught me who i want to be. You have been through hell and fire, and you came out on top. Thank you for being so open with me about parts of you so that i could grow. Bek, lol how you put up with me i do not know. Truly, you are a saint for doing so. Thank you so much for doing so much and trying so hard to turn me into a classy girl. You did more than most could, feel proud lol. You have taught me so much about who i also want to be. 20 years...........i would of never thought that 20 years ago i would of met my best friend! Nicole, you my friend are 100% crazy, and kept me going when times i wanted to put my rod in the ground and say eff this! You have loved like only you could. And i miss our fun times greatly! AraAnn, I admire all you are. You are strong, real, honest, motivating, loving, sweet, kind, gentle, and have one of the coolest dads in the world. I will never forget you for 2 reasons. 1. Eye of the Tiger. 2. F*R*I*E*N*D*S. Thank you for the addiction! Ash (S), You miss thang........i could go on and on so i will just say this one thing. I love you and our talks to the moon and back 34329843298 times. JS. lolfr ;)  And to the many more who have been there, thank you.

Please stay tuned for more news from my mind!

2 comments:

  1. its 180. 360 your back where you started

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol thanks for pointing that out and making me feel stupid.

    ReplyDelete