Monday, November 14, 2011

~ Forget * Me * Not ~

I love my life so much!!!!! I am so very blessed from my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I am astonished at how many times these poor men have to "have my back", and do it willingly. Sometimes i wonder if they are sitting in heaven thinking....."Okay, its been about 2 weeks and she's stressed almost past what she can handle. Yet she can't just come to us to let us help her!" I can't imagine what a disappointment it must be sometimes watching someone they love so much, struggle out of stubbornness. It must be heartbreaking.

Yet, they are right there giving me what i need when i need it. And they do it in such a way i could NEVER deny their hand in my life. 

This last month has been hard for me in a lot of areas. I have been tried and tested far more than i ever have before. And it was in a way i never saw coming. I was tested to see if i could have the faith that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ knew more than i knew. If i had the faith that their way is truly more productive and possibly better than my way. I was tested in a job that i am honestly for the first time scared to death of. I was tested to see if I could see my own testimony by myself. I was tested to see if my love for the gospel was more than my love for romantic love itself. I wish i could tell you i passed in all these areas from the get go. However I didn't. In fact there were countless times i almost quit my job and found a job i wouldn't of made much money with in the long run. I was tempted to just shake my fists at the heaven and say "Why on earth are you doing this to me RIGHT NOW?!" Thankfully i was blessed with a family that loves me that are both near and far. I was blessed with random phone calls, emails, and visits from friends that were in tune with the spirit. Friends that many times kept me going. Most of all, I was blessed with a Uncle & Aunt whom i live with who constantly invite me to do family home evening with them. I would some of the time but i never agreed to do the lesson.

Tonight no one had any lesson planned, so i asked Rick to grab the ensign. I honestly had no idea what i was going to talk about. But for some reason i felt strongly i needed to find a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. As i looked at the table of contents as my aunt and uncle discussed upcoming events the title "Forget Me Not" stuck out. As the prayer was being offered i also remembered a quote from another speaker J Devan Cornish said. " When we truly believe that God rules His kingdom and that He has all power and all glory, we are recognizing that He really is in charge, that He loves us with a perfect love, and that He wants us to be happy. I have found that one of the secrets to a joyful life is to recognize that doing things the Lord's way will make me happier than doing things my way." As the prayer ended i still felt prompted to read the first talk by Elder Uchtdorf, so i started with Elder Cornish's thought not knowing what Elder Uchtdorf was even going to say. To my amazement it flowed really well.

I am not going to go into a huge detail about the talk. But i encourage all my women friends to read it if you haven't, and ponder it if you have. There is one part of the talk that hit home really hard for me. Before i share that i should share the jest of his talk. He used a metaphor with the Forget Me Not flower. He listed 5 things (for the 5 petals of the flower) that we should not forget. They are listed on the cute flower i found and edited words onto above. The ones that stuck out the most to me were the following. First, forget not to be patient with yourself. Third, forget not to be happy now.

The first thing that stuck out to me was when he said " I want to tell you something that i hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others- usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does." ( If this wasn't Heavenly Father basically spelling it out for me literally i don't know what is! And you would think he'd stop there right? Yep, nope!) 

He then talks about being happy. And shares how in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory everyone is trying so hard to get the gold ticket that they forget the joy of the chocolate candy bar. And he said something that again hit home for me. He stated " There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings-we hope and seek after things that are 'virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.' The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event-our golden ticket to appear." (And this was the kicker for me actually) Anyone that knows me knows that no matter what i say my "golden ticket" is to find a handsome righteous priesthood holder to take me to the temple. Like he stated righteous yearnings isn't the problem, it is putting all the other happiness i can find on hold till i find that ticket. 

To make a SUPER long post short, I am SO grateful for revelation and answers to unasked prayers. I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father knows what I need more than I do. And I'm grateful that he shows me these things when i am prepared to accept them. 

Amazing huh?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Fairytales And Me

Once upon a time.......

Oh bullcrap! Anyone who is out there thinking that fairytales are real obviously hasn't had a strong dose of their reality pill recently. However, it is a nice feeling thinking your significant other or someone you wish to be is Prince Charming. And maybe, just maybe you are one of them lucky princesses that appear in all Disney movies. I envy you. This is clearly not the case for me, and I'm slowly accepting it.

I'm not speaking of finding my Prince Charming this time. I'm speaking of how it saddens me that people go out of their way to make their life look SOOOO glamours. It is these people that scare me most. What will happen when that glamour turns into the trash can blues? Now don't get me wrong I know there are some people who are blessed with a extra dose of rainbows and butterflies in their life. And power to them for being so positive. Maybe that is my issue. I know my life isn't always going to go how i want it to. I know that more times then not my life is going to stink. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit here and whine about it.

What has hurt me makes me stronger. And I'm pleasently surprised that most of the time my happiness comes from my misfortune. Maybe what annoys me most about these mini Disney princess, is that they were blessed with this ability to be so positive. And daily I learn how to be.

So for all you men and women who are blessed with this attitude or are really good at faking it till you make it. Good job. As for me, I will continue to stay in the reality that my knight in shining armor might just be a loser in tinfoil :) That i don't poop rainbows, and eat sugar coated butterflies. And that life really is something you endure and not something just sprinkled with warm goodness.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Comfortable With Life

I am truly blessed to have some amazing friends in my life. Near and far, they take care of me and i feel are in tune with what i need in my life. I have spent most of my life trying so hard to make my life how i wanted it to be. I grew up hearing that we are the Captain of our own boat. I took that literally, and i didn’t let God have the control he needed to make the boat sail the best it could. I spent years going up and down on the Love-coaster. One month I'd be so insanely happy and crazy about a boy, but the min it didn’t work out i hated love and was on a war path of self-destruction. But like the pride cycle my cycle always restarted when another boy came along. Slowly from age 19-29 I let the men of the world define me. I let them control my happiness. Yes, a couple times things worked out nicely but would end just because it wasn’t right. Yes a few of them men are still my good friends, if not best friends. But the life i was living during that time was not anything compared to what it is now. I was weak, lonely, needy, bitter, angry, jealous, and depended on everyone around me to make me feel happy. December-April 2010/2011 I became friends with 2 men that have caused such a change in my life that it has caused me to uproot my blog from before and start anew.

December 2010- I met Gabe in my ward during my reactivation. He was exactly what I was longing for in a man. So naturally i fell, and i fell fast. I put myself out there so much, and misread signs just because i wanted him to be the end of my unhappiness. After months and months of pain trying to figure out if he liked me i just asked. To my painful realization at that moment he did not. He saw me as a friend. And at that time, that was the worst thing you could say to me. I however, decided he needed to be part of my life so i kept him in it. Slowly we faded away here and there, and i honestly thought the man that turned out to be my best friend was not my best friend at all. Then the day we talked about me moving to Cedar City came. Slowly we hung out more, and the week before I left I saw that this wasn't him. It was me. I didn’t get what i want so i pulled away. For that week we hung out like we use to. And our last night we hung out was the hardest night of my entire life to date. I wasn’t just leaving my best friend. I was leaving the man that proved i was something worth respecting, loving, and cherishing. I told him he had to leave because i couldn’t handle the tears anymore. Sadly the tears lasted for hours. He was the first person to call me a few days after i was here, just to see how i was. I choked up just hearing his voice. We talked for maybe 5 mins, but it was the happiest moment of my week. I will never ever ever forget this man or lose touch. He comes with me, it’s a package deal.

March-April 2011: Ryan. This is what i call my add on to Gabe. They are so similar in some areas it makes me giggle. And the stories are basically the same. We also met at church, and had an instant connection. I again fell hard and fast lol. Shocker huh? Our first "date" was sitting on my basketball court talking. He was VERY open and honest about where he was with life. He said from the very start he wasn’t looking for love and stuff and he wasn’t sure he wanted a family and marriage. I guess i like a challenge, because one of my girl friends when i told her about the convo said "RUN!" Ryan and i still joke about that, about how i did the total opposite. Ryan is similar to Gabe. He is sweet, caring, funny (i laugh ALL the time with him), giving, loving, and is willing to do so much for his friends. Recently we had dinner and like most our dates before (even though i paid for myself lol) it got deep fast. I really don’t think we know how to do a date without a deep conversation. As we were talking some things came up that reminded me so much about my past. I remember going home and thinking, "Wow, i really truly care about this man a lot. And once again I can’t have him!" In that moment a rush of my past came back and i was truly in so much pain. I was texting one of my new guy friends here, who i should give some major credit to and i will do so in a moment. During the texting i remember saying "Maybe I'm not meant to marry a member" "Maybe this is not what i thought it was, and it was just a road to teach me what i have been taught" "Maybe, this is a faith based church and i really am not strong enough to believe let alone endure." We quickly started texting about something else to change the topic and i kinda just let it go.

October 2011: Eric. I met Eric at the dreaded dance i went to. Both of us totally didn’t want to be there but made the most of it. He is 45 and totally out of my range of age and me his. But we instantly clicked. He is the one i was texting that stuff to. This last Saturday we took my first trip to St. George, a place of which i fell in love with. Sorry you SLC friends, in 2 years you just might not be getting me back! It’s like a mini California. And i truly felt at home for the first time in weeks. We went to the mall and got Eric some work shirts and went to Barnes and Noble to look around. He insisted on getting me a book. I finally gave in. Then we went to Golden Corral and enjoyed some delicious food! We then made plans to go to a Family Fun Center, and during the drive over he discovered i had never seen the St. George temple (Which has now replaced SLC as my 2nd favorite temple) so we went there. We figured we’d take a quick walk around see the movie there, and then go to the fun center. God had another plan for me. As i walked into the grounds my heart stopped. I felt so close to heaven in was mind-blowing. I have only felt this one other time at a temple in this capacity. I truly felt like i was MEANT to be there. We then walked into the visitor center. I went to a place where they showed the testimonies of the 12 apostles. I touched the picture of Jeffery R. Holland. And then started a lil clip of him talking about Jesus taking upon himself our sins. Tears formed, my heart ached when he mentioned he not only took our sins but he took our pain, infirmities and tears. This wasn’t something new to me, but you would of thought it was by the tears dripping down my face. Then we watched a movie of Joseph Smith. Cried more? Yep, sure did!

We then walked and saw the statue of Christ that is just like the one in SLC visitor center. We were just sitting there quietly and an Elderly Couple walked up and the Elder asked if we wanted to hear the audio. I said sure. I am sure i have heard it at the Visitor Center in SLC and I’m almost sure it’s the same. But again you wouldn’t know from my tears the entire time. Off to the side there was a group of sisters gathered. I felt bad for them; I figured they thought i was a nonmember lol. As the audio played i was reminded that Christ felt EVERYTHING i have ever felt, and will feel. I again wept. The gentleman asked if i wanted to talk to a representative, and to be respectful i said yes. We went in to this room, and she asked me what touched me the most. Within moments this poor sister knew everything. I remember saying one thing in particular "I’m sure i have heard the message of him feeling my pain a million times, but something today and hearing it has tied the past 11 years of my life together." We then talked about Ryan and some things that happened that caused me to doubt what i believed for just one night. As we talked i realized one thing.

Satan gave up trying to get me with sex, drinking, and things of that lifestyle. He gave up trying to get me to think i wasn’t worthy of a good man. But now, he had a sharpened arrow ready to shoot at me. He was trying to get to me with self-doubt. He had me doubting i knew what i knew, he had me doubting i felt what i felt, and most of all he had me doubting my personal strength to resist him! As we discussed this the sister shared some scriptures that now i do not remember, then looked up at me and said " I can feel your spirit, i can see how strong you are, don’t ever doubt that. The Lord loves me, so i have no doubt he loves you also." What a life changing moment. I have made a total 360 now. I have come from the depths of misery and endless wo, to a hopeful state of happiness. It won’t always be clear and sunny, but I’m happy. For the first time in my ENTIRE life i can honestly say, I’m CONTENT being me and being "alone". Meaning depending on myself for my happiness and not anyone but myself. Well and God lol. I told myself last February that i wasn’t going to receive my endowments until i was 100% sure i was ready. Well friends, the time has come. I have a hard time with Tithing. So my only Goals in preparing to receive them are 2 fold. 1. Be a full tithe payer from now until February. 2. Read and Pray every single night/morning. I have no doubt in my mind that these men i discussed played a divine role in this moment. They helped make changes i couldn’t of imagined.

This church is true. I have no doubt on earth of its truthfulness. I'm so thankful for people in my life who had faith when i had none. Who loved when i knew not how, and who supported when i had no feet to stand on. Janalyn, You my dare were my rock for so long, until I knew how to build my cornerstone. Ally-Girl, *giggles* God bless you my sista. You are much more than a friend. You truly are my sister in Zion. Your love, advice, and sweet heart has taught me who i want to be. You have been through hell and fire, and you came out on top. Thank you for being so open with me about parts of you so that i could grow. Bek, lol how you put up with me i do not know. Truly, you are a saint for doing so. Thank you so much for doing so much and trying so hard to turn me into a classy girl. You did more than most could, feel proud lol. You have taught me so much about who i also want to be. 20 years...........i would of never thought that 20 years ago i would of met my best friend! Nicole, you my friend are 100% crazy, and kept me going when times i wanted to put my rod in the ground and say eff this! You have loved like only you could. And i miss our fun times greatly! AraAnn, I admire all you are. You are strong, real, honest, motivating, loving, sweet, kind, gentle, and have one of the coolest dads in the world. I will never forget you for 2 reasons. 1. Eye of the Tiger. 2. F*R*I*E*N*D*S. Thank you for the addiction! Ash (S), You miss thang........i could go on and on so i will just say this one thing. I love you and our talks to the moon and back 34329843298 times. JS. lolfr ;)  And to the many more who have been there, thank you.

Please stay tuned for more news from my mind!