Monday, August 18, 2014

The Undiscovered Introverts Take On Suicide & Depression

I grew up as a "social butterfly". I would be everyone's friend. I would go to all activities for church that I could. But no one....but maybe God knew the inner battle inside me. I went because I was afraid, and I didn't want this social fear to control me. I remember one year at girls camp crying myself to sleep, wanting to be home, safe.....where I couldn't risk being hurt. That was the last year I ever went. It was the year that I slowly started to pull away from activities. Nothing happened that made me do this. And I remember being confused every day by the feeling. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't angry at the world. I just wanted to be alone. I stopped communicating with my family, which just lead to more problems. Problems of people feeling i was pushing them away, not wanting to be loved, or to even love. I remember being told that i needed to explain how I felt. Not in a mean way. I can only imagine how a family member felt so helpless, because I did. I couldn't explain it. Because I didn't know. I wanted to be social. I wanted to be always the popular one. I wanted all the attention.

I left home at 19 to move to Provo, thinking that maybe I just needed a change. That was the worst mistake of my life. To this day, I can date so many bad choices to making that move too soon. I was running from something, and I had no idea what it was. I moved back to Mi, and tried so hard to get out of my own head, my own body. But time after time, I failed at something, and it would eat me alive. Something inside me was off. And at this point, I was thinking maybe its time to get help. So i started to go to therapy. Nope. Didn't do a darn thing. I was so closed off, that he couldn't even get me to open. This feeling was turning into one of the darkest times of my life. A time I never talked about. A time MOST including my family might not know about. The world was against me, it was out to destroy me. I didn't like what i felt like inside, so i changed on the outside. I stopped eating, and when i ate it was once a day, and I would binge eat. Food was the one thing that made me comfy, it was the one thing I had TOTAL control over.

I was living with my grandparents, and things just got more and more rough. I didn't want to go with them to see my parents, and my new sister and brother. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed, comfortable in my own place. One day, my grandparents were going to visit my family. Inside I had all but given up. My mind was so dark, there was nothing left. I had what had to happen planned out in my head. My grandparents were on so many different kind of medications, and I had researched their effects. I knew how to do it, and I was given the most perfect time. I know many at this point are thinking "How selfish! Think about your family, think about what you are leaving them with!" The fact is, you aren't thinking. At this point I felt more of a failure, than anything useful. I waited for them to leave, and I walked to the kitchen, in total tears. I filled up a glass of water, as I wrote the words "I am sorry, I love you" on a piece of paper. I took down the pill box....and in what seemed like hours I stood there. Then all of a sudden, the back door opens, Grandpa walks in "Have you seen Grandmas glasses?" he asks. In a panic I help him find them, and send him on his way. I drop to my knees...numb, afraid, and all I remember thinking is "Help".

I can not tell you what clicked enough that day to make me never follow through. I can't tell you what was so hard about my life at that moment. But what I can tell you, is that you don't know what ANY OTHER PERSON feels. So no one.....no one...can ever say "Suicide is selfish." In the eyes of a person hurting it isn't. No two people hurt the same, feel the same, and react the same.

I am BEYOND thankful for that moment now. It is my driving force. It defined me. It helped me become strong, and unstoppable. And it was the stepping stone for years later, sitting in my Humanities class, having so many "AH HA!" moments personally, that I would go home drained. Some people don't believe in a higher power, some call it by a different name. But I can tell you this, it exists. Because years before taking this class.....I thought the words "Help". And I got exactly that. This class alone, because of the amazing teacher I had, who had this.....ability to connect to me without trying.....that darkness started to disappear. And years after this class, after having so many mind opening moments, I run into an article about what an introvert really is....and I am able to soak it up like a sponge. And to top that off.....a friend says "I have known you were one for a while, because you are like me."

Humanities to me is defined perfectly on dictionary.com
1. The quality or condition of being human; human nature.
2. The quality of being humane; kindness; benevolence.

I will end with this restatement. Suicide is NOT selfish. Just because a person has "everything, or so much" in your eyes, doesn't mean he or she is invisible to being a human, and having conditions that make them react and feel differently. What is selfish, are the people that keep insisting that those that choose to take their life are. What is selfish is the constant judgments from people that think EVERY form of illness, mental or not is the same. That EVERY ONE should react the same. "If I can overcome my depression, so can he or she." Wrong. Each human is conditioned differently, that is what part of humanities is. The sad part that most of us are missing is the part of being humane, kind, loving, giving, supportive, and accepting. You can't change a person, you can only change yourself.

Monday, April 21, 2014

To The Women

To the women who have felt pain. Wither it be emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual. Know this.

You are loved.
You are cherished.
You are needed.
You are important.
You are royal.
You are divine.
You are beautiful.
You are attractive.
You are smart.
You are funny.
You are kind.
You are loving.
You are giving.
You are hope.
You are faith.
You are unique.
You are special.
You are mesmerizing.
You are strong.
You are not a mistake.
You are worth more than you know.

No one can be you. You have the ability to change your life, and others around you. It is perfectly okay to be broken. It is perfectly okay to be imperfect. The ONLY time you fail, is when you refuse to get back up. There is no one on this earth that can handle what you have, will, or do. The only one who can, already has. And if you take the time, he will show you how amazingly perfect, your imperfections are.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

As I have loved you, love one another.

This line has never been very hard for me to do, until recently. The last couple months have tried me over and over. I have had countless people that I have tried to love, but somehow I felt like I was doing most of the work. I have had people that I still love very much, hurt me, and make me feel bad for making a choice of sanity vs insanity.

In church today one of our darling sister missionaries spoke. She shared her reconversion story, and it was basically because of a Visiting Teacher. A lady who loved her unconditionally. I had tears in my eyes the whole talk. I started thinking about women in my life who love me like this, and it warmed me. Each time I thought of someone, my mind came back to this one friend of mine. I thought about countless times she has shown her love. A friend that I catch up with once a week sometimes. I would't call her my best friend, but ironically she is trust just as much as my best friend of 18 years. That made me think. Why? How? It was at the forefront of my mind all day. And as I was getting ready to read my scriptures I figured it out.

It doesn't matter how many times you talk to a person, or how long you know them. What matters is what they have done with the time they have been in your life. This woman from the VERY start was special to me. The first time I met her, she had told me about a job and I was going for the interview. For a long time I couldn't remember this as the first. Till today. Unconditional love act 1. We then "met" a second time going with a few other ladies to a church pageant. We shared some laughs, and created a very fun memory with each other. Still, this was not the point I feel we became close. It wasn't till months later, that we were chatting on FB and I felt connected to her. I instantly trusted her, and confided in her for most things. As time has gone by, and i think back to our random talks. There really is no trend to how often we meet up. Then it hit me. She really is my angel. I have NO doubt in my mind now God has had this planned from day one. That we became closer during a harder time in my life. Where I have learned to trust, and to earn trust. She listens to me complain about everything from boys, to my emotions. She has given of her love freely. Unconditionally.

During the sisters talk today, she asked "Can you say you love freely?" When she asked that I just smiled. Because I can. And I keep doing so, because God put the most ideal friend for me in my life. And I didn't even see it till today.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

That nasty B word.

Bullying.

This is an honest, open, vulnerable post. The further you read you might feel as though I'm looking for sympathy. I am not. This is a topic that is dear to me. A topic of which I want to share my thoughts.

Recently my dad asked me on a car ride to Cedar, what I would do if i found out my child was being bullied. This stemmed from a talk about me growing up and being bullied all during school. From grade school on. I told him I didn't know, and i still don't know fully. Because ANY answer is difficult. Let me explain.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade school. I can remember being told i was stupid, dumb, and annoying by teachers. People I was meant to trust and respect. I remember one teacher telling me I would never learn multiplication. Ironically, I suck at math to this day. I wish that it ended there. However, kids noticed teachers doing this at a young age. So of course they started it too. By the time I hit JR High I was also overweight. I was moo'd at during gym, and called tub o lard, pushed down stairs. I would use my lunch money to buy candy because it made me feel better because I sat alone. By high school I was so use to being the loser that I allowed myself to stay that way. I had many ward friends try to befriend me, but I was so wounded internally I let NO ONE close. It didn't help that at 16 my sperm donor found me "unworthy" of his love and never talked to me again after visiting him for a week. I was trained to think any adult would hurt me. Even people who tried so hard to love me in my family. I became mouthy, inconsiderate, rude, and a plain pain in the ass to my family.

It kills me to know that this all started with a simple person calling me stupid. One single word still effects me. I am now obese, and scared to death of changing, because i am comfy. I try too hard to make people love me, and sacrifice so much to be "cool". You all think i'm this super great person, but really i'm a total basket case inside. I know what you are thinking, "You can fix this, you can change." You are right. I can, however no matter how much one changes memories remain. I know I am a good person, if not great person. I know I am all the things you are thinking. However, the fact is this. Bullying stays. It hurts. It is not something that a victim just "bounces back" from. It will always be something that causes me to be insecure, self conscience, and cautious around people. I might be a people person, but sometimes you see me being sweet and outgoing, and inside i'm dying.

Going back to what I would do if I found out my child was being bullied. I wouldn't run and tell the principle hoping he would talk to the kid or their parents. Coming from a victim, that only makes the kids act out more against you. "Oooooo you told!" Then they back you into a corner and you fear for your life. I would sit down with my child and love him or her. I would tell them every day how amazing they are to me. I would go OUT OF MY WAY to make them know they matter. I would talk to a counclor at school WITH my child. And voice my concern of the bullies acting out more. THAT is what I would do.

 Watch what you say, do, and how you act. You don't know who's life you are shaping.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Swear Word That Starts With M

No, not marriage. Mother, Mommy, Mama. If you are reading this post in hopes that I have changed my mind and I am not still hurting, carry on. Today is not a day where I am peppy and happy. It is not a day where I pretend I am a good LDS woman who went to church. I did not. Maybe I am wrong, but I just can not handle going on a day dedicated to what I am not. Now I know many of your first thoughts when I said that was "You are a mother to anyone you love." or "You are a future mother." But if you have been in my shoes, wither it was losing a child, getting a divorce with wee ones still, or marrying when you were older. You know that no matter how many times that is said to you, or how much you know its true, it doesn't make the pain go away. You can spend the day loving someone else, serving someone else. But lets call a spade a spade. For us mothers that are yet to be moms, or even you single mothers, or mothers who lost a child, it doesn't fully help.

Sure I have had countless friends text, call, message, and "check in". More so than any other year. And that is amazing, it helped. However, I can't always be on the go, there are going to be those quiet moments where  my brain rests and my heart awakens at the feeling of being alone. The feeling of "What did I do wrong?" or "Was he the one? If I would of married him would my life be better?" And in those moments no one, not even God himself can always help me. Nothing fixes it. However, a dear friend who CONSTANTLY supports me quietly in her own special way posted something on my Facebook today. And with all the people supporting me, telling me to "Buck up, it could be worse" this is what hit home. In case Mothers Day is hard for you

Instantly my feelings, every single one was validated. I felt comforted, understood, and I knew whomever wrote this knew my pain in her own form. I am not ashamed I am moody today. I have always wanted to be a mother. I had billions of babies growing up. And I stuffed them all into one stroller. No, that is not foreshadowing  This woman stops at 2!

I am thankful for those moments in life where we can learn from one another. So ladies, if you are hurting it is okay. If you cry, it is okay. If you want nothing more right now than to have your child back, have someone help you raise your kids again, or to have a child of your own, that IS okay. Don't be ashamed of your heart, tears, or desires. Most of all, DON'T hide them like sometimes the world wants you to. Just because you express how you feel good or bad, it doesn't mean you are strong or weak. It means you are human. It also means you have the biggest, most giving, loving, and open heart. That is nothing to be ashamed of. That is the kinda heart God WILL bless with a child in this life or the next.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Love

It is no mystery to most that I love the L word. I was raised to say it, and say it often. If I feel it I say it. And not each time is it returned. Not each time is it meant the way I want it to be meant. But when it is said by someone so important to you, it changes your view points of many things. I am imperfect, this is no shock to most of you reading this. I do stupid things, say stupid things, and think stupid things. And I do them over and over. Sometimes I judge, and sometimes I don't when I should. However, loving is one thing I have mastered. I have learned from many many unhappy parts of my life to love the person even when their actions might not be something I love.

The last month has been VERY hard for me to handle. Daily I could post about something that was negative  And at the start of the month I did so. After watching General Conference I learned so many different things. First I learned tons about faith. I learned that loving myself in spite of the mishaps, would give me stronger faith. So for a while I faked it. I pretended I was not stressed and unhappy, soon I made some super close girlfriends who really understood and could relate to my brain and how I thought. They gave me things that helped them. For example. I am now a proud owner of a happy jar. Each day, no matter how crappy I find something happy about it and write it on a paper and put it in there. When I can't think of something i take out the papers and read what I had said before. Usually something is sparked in my brain and I find something happy. By doing this I have found a fantastic power and peace in life.

Recently, I have had one of the most amazing moments of my month. I was texting a friend and I said "I miss you :( " Said friend responded back with I miss you too, I hope you have a fun night and that we can hang out soon. I responded back with a Sleep well, I love you tons. For the first time in text form or at all an "I love you tons too." came back. My heart was warm and I felt tears form. And for the first time I fully comprehended Christlike Love. I knew this friend didn't mean it romantically, so I was able to think about moments. From almost catching a park on fire, to long talks in a vast amount of places. This friend has recently been having a tough go this week. And all I could think about was holding this person. Making everything okay for just a few moments. And for the first time I physically wanted to take how this person was feeling and make them feel what I was. I wanted to shout to the world all the reasons I loved them. I wanted make their life easier. It occurred to me in this moment that yes, romantic love is very important in a marriage. But this Christlike love I was feeling, nothing could be it. Not the best kiss of my life, or the comfort in their eyes. I knew in that moment, if i could find THAT kind of love combined with romance, I would have a marriage that would of course take work. But that work would be easier to do, because I would WANT to.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Understanding Yourself

I believe with every ounce of my soul that there are times in ones life where they sit and think, "What the hell is the next step?" I know that there have been countless times where I have felt I should move forward, but didn't know how. There have been times where i sat on my bed, hands in my face with tears painting it. I was confused, lost, annoyed, angry, and at the point of breaking. EVERY single one of these times I can tell you I have said words like, "Help me", "Take this away", and even the words "I hate my life". However, EVERY single one of those times I as taught something valuable  I was taught how to listen, observe, trust, love, and MOVE FORWARD.

I was a woman that thought she would never become what SHE wanted. A woman that thought that what she wanted was selfish and no one would understand. I can remember countless times thinking to myself, "Maybe I am just not meant to be happy. Maybe I am one of those people that will slowly just internally die."

Lets fast forward to a week ago, when i decided it was time to take care of some things. I am not sure what triggered in my head, but something did. I have become a woman that looks at failures not as something I didn't do right, but something I misunderstood. I have seen my past as something beautiful, something that has made me into who I am now. I have finally become that woman who can eat a small brownie and not say  "Yep, I failed." I have not failed, because I have not ended up dying of a heart attack, kidney failure, or the millions of other things that I could of. I have not given up on finding what makes me the happiest.

I have seen that what I want is my personal happiness, and that is okay if it is not someone else's. Life is about learning, and learning is what I am doing. Haters are going to hate, Liars are going to lie.